Yesterday and today have been hard for me. Jason’s out of town on business so I am single parenting. Em’s got a cold, but somehow still has enough energy to run circles around me. We’ve had a good week together, but I’ll be happy when Jason gets home. Today we went and got our toes painted. This isn’t the usual for us, but I’m running out of things to do in order to procrastinate working on my real ‘to do’ list. So, we went to the place where I had my feet done the day before January 12th. The ladies all remembered me. I brought in a little brag book that one of Noah’s PICU nurses sent us recently. It’s 2.5″x2.5″ and has some pictures from the blog in it, including the ‘feet’ picture. I showed the lady the ‘feet’ picture and thanked her, again, for helping that memory happen for us. She proceeded to speak Vietnamese to everyone working in the store and they all lovingly said, “So sorry”.
After our toe trip, we headed home to do some more organizing in the basement. I like to sew and tackle random projects, usually stuff I make up as I go, so over the years I have accumulated 6 bins of “Oh, I could make something out of this!” or “Sure, I’ll use these scraps of material one day.” Anyway, needless to say, my husband will be pleasantly surprised when he sees just how much purging I did in the basement. The reality is, I know I’m not going to do those projects. Even the ones I thought would be so great at the time…I just don’t feel like it anymore and it isn’t as important as it was then. I feel very free just admitting that I’m not going to start or complete projects that have been hovering over my head for so long.
While I was sorting through one bin, I did come across the remnants of the materials I used for Noah’s room. At the same time, my friend called and I just lost it. Em said, “Mom, don’t cry! Your face is all black!” I said, “Em, I don’t like waterproof mascara, so this is a look you’ll need to get used to…” I told my friend it felt like a waste that I had made Noah’s bedding. I remember cramming, sewing it all within the last week before he was born. Even though he only slept in his cute room for 7 1/2 weeks, I’m glad that I got it all done before we brought him home. I know it wasn’t a waste because his room was perfect just for him and any time I see chocolate polka dots with cool blue and lime, I will forever think of Noah .
Anyway, today I’ve been asking God to pinch me because this life cannot truly be my reality…I never even had the time to picture Em and Noah as grown ups burying me and Jason as old wrinkly people…why did I assume that my life here on earth would go on relatively unscathed? On July 24th, the thought never crossed my mind that one day Noah would not be in our lives. It didn’t cross my mind on August 2nd…he’s still in our lives, but he’s not in our arms and that is the daily ache that ebbs and flows. Today the tide was a little high…