I’ve been thinking a lot lately how there was a period of time in my walk with God that the mention of His name didn’t really do jack squat for me. It didn’t evoke awe. I wasn’t drawn to my knees. No tears were shed. My heart didn’t beat any faster. I loved Him the only way I knew how, but I was not passionate towards Him. So, then, that became my ‘normal’. I knew I loved Him but there really wasn’t a reverence or pursuit on my end, above and beyond the weekly church attendance and daily prayer (over meals!) He wasn’t that fascinating to me, more of a God who loved everyone, way up high in the sky, doing His thing, but not really interested, truly, if I came to say ‘Hi’ everyday or not. We coexisted. Yeah, that’s it. We totally coexisted. And that’s where the indifference sets in. It happens in our human relationships all the time, namely marriages. Who knows, perhaps you literally haven’t spoken more than 30 words to your spouse in the last week because, though you love them, you are both busy, have dozens of kids, have errands and events, so coexisting has just become the norm. I assure you it is not.

I have ceased to coexist with God. It wasn’t worth it. I was just taking up space and He wasn’t being allowed to show His love for me the way He desired. I don’t even keep Him at arms length anymore. It’s a waste of my time, really. No, instead, I decided to take Him at His word. I decided to actually read, and re-read, and then read again, the words He so lovingly spoke to scribes long ago…for me. I decided to bend my knees and start praying for my family, friends, loved ones, enemies, the world around me. I decided that there was no way on earth with 10% percent brain function that I was even grasping an iota of the infinite God of the universe, the One who understands, LIKE NO OTHER, the depth of sorrow of willingly losing a son. I am daily in awe of my Lord, not just ‘God’, (Lord reveals Someone on the throne of your heart, which also means you have removed yourself from that position…).

Obviously with Noah my perspective on life, and the reality of God and heaven, changed dramatically. The thought of God evokes awe. The fact that God willingly sent His son to die for me brings humility, thankfulness, grief, and hope. The reality that I am loved by the Creator of the universe and that He really is interested in my daily goings on, brings me to tears when I dwell on it.

Whether I sit, stand, bow, or kneel (hands lifted to God not caring what anyone else thinks since praise & worship isn’t about others…) in praise and worship at church to corporately honor God, I am humbled that I am actually in communication with the King of kings and Lord of lords. I don’t know why I wear mascara every week when it all ends up on the backs of my hands or down my cheeks like a rock star. As I sit and look at the pink mountains illuminated from the sun He formed in His hand, I am dumbfounded. When I look at Em and really think about the gift she is to us, I am blown, or the way that Jason reflects His character in the way he loves us, I am so grateful to Him. This God I worship is real and alive and loves me almost beyond my comprehension, but not so much that it passes me by. I get it. A little bit, anyway, and I want to ‘get it’ more. I do, and you can, too, if you simply state the obvious, “Lord, I want to know You more than I do. Let me know Your love the way You want to me know it. Help me get out of my own way.” We make it more complicated than it really is. We confuse depth with complication. That’s exactly what the devil would want us to think. That’s why so many ‘coexist’.

How does God move you, or are you coexisting?



17 Responses

  1. He moves in mysterious ways in me. It’s too personal to even try to explain, but I am brought to tears just thinking about how intimate I have become with my Abba. You are so right.. we do make it harder than it needs to be. He’s waiting expectantly for us to run to His sheltering arms. There is much love, patience, grace and hope there!

  2. GOD does move in mysterious ways and can change everything in one moment.

    I just wrote about calling out HIS Name – JESUS. For “there is none other Name…whereby you can be saved.”

    I now wish I could get past this fear, doubt that I have developed recently and get back to a place where I can see and feel and notice HIM in EVERYTHING! For HE continues to move and speak in it ALL.

    Again, thanks for your words today. And for being the Gift that you are.

  3. I truly am in awe when I spend time “WITH” God. It is remarkable and almost more than I can handle at times. While I believed in His existence and his love for me, I coexisted for a very long time. Then something changed in me and it came about the time I was pregnant with Carlie and had so many problems. At that time, I took it a step further and stopped coexisting. Given some problems in our life at this time, you would think I would continue in my intimate relationship with God and let him lead me, comfort me and give me the strength I so desperatly need – but over the past several weeks I have returned to coexistence (without even really noticing it was happening). It is time to return to HIM and lay it all at his feet and stop trying to fix it myself, as that is not working and as history has shown really never does.

    Today, I am so thankful for His patience, forgiveness and grace! Hallelujia!!

  4. Hi from a friend from a long time ago who has been in awe as the Noah chapter of your lives has unfolded. How amazing this post is. How encouraging for those who are going through chapters in their lives they’ve never chosen to turn the page on. How piercing for those whose relationship with the living God is ho-hum. Have you ever read the book entitled The Sacred Romance? It was at that point in time many years ago that God became someone more to me than just someone I wanted to coexist with. He rocked my deepest being with the reality of his pursuit for me, and He became my Lover.

    Your journey is a gift. Isn’t it incredible how when God allows circumstances in our lives, it’s never just for us. Thank you for sharing. Thank you, Father, for your faithfulness.

    With love,

  5. I am sadly coexisiting but trying to find my way……that is why I love your blog so much.
    I feel like I am in a freeze but I am starting to thaw. Your words inspire me to continue.

  6. Loved seeing your heart and where you are in your walk in this post. I also have taken big steps in the past months to move forward on my walk and pursue God. Thanks for your inspiration. And don’t worry – I also am a mascara-running crier. I have a rule that nobody cries in my presence alone….and another rule that I can’t feel the spirit without shedding lots of tears. God bless you & have a great weekend!!!

  7. Your post resonates with my own heart and walk with God. I feel badly when I think back to all the years and time I spent not loving and understanding truly who God is and who He longed to be in my life all along. I feel bad that it took death and tragedy to shake me out of my ‘coexistence’. And I now see that-death and grief and the challenges I have in life daily- as God’s gift and act of mercy toward me. I can’t believe that He is able to allow such pain in my life in order for me to be drawn into a deeper, closer relationship with Him. One which makes me KNOW Him more intimately; makes me accept my pain and questions unswervingly; and makes me humble each day I wake and see that He has given me more opportunities to grow in Him, share His love with others, and offer myself back to Him.
    Our God is an awesome God. Faith is something too many people want in a ‘nutshell’ or to come with ease. I am beginning to see that it is richer when it comes with a price.
    Thinking of you and praying for your family all month long in a special way, Adrienne. May God pour out His love and comfort and fill your hearts with peace that only comes through Him. Thank you for your words, your openness, and your passion for others to some to understand and know God as you do. It is a blessing beyond words.

  8. It is so key that you said, “I decided…”. It doesn’t just happen. We have to take the step from coexisting to becoming intimate.
    Yesterday God moved me to tears (again) when I was praying about my current emotional state. I was literally stopped in my tracks when He showed me that it is His Spirit within me grieving for the loss of my marriage, for the pain of 3 of His Beloveds.
    I cannot wrap my brain around God. I can’t fully “get” Him. He is sooo beyond my human understanding! And it is that mystery that draws me ever closer to Him. He keeps me in constant wonder!

  9. This one really moved me. Thanks for continuing to write and inspiring others to really make God the Lord of our lives. Love you…

  10. Adrienne,
    My sister found this blog through a friend of a friend of a friend’s prayer chain or something of that sort and has been following it for a while now. She would always tell me about this and Noah and how amazing you are. She is a mother of three,(with incredible faith of her own) and her heart broke for you and was inspired by you.

    A month ago my sweet sister was diagnosed with cancer, and I moved from Denver to be with her and her family as we do pretty intense treatments. One night in the hospital we got online because she wanted to check your blog, and I saw it for the first time… it blew me away. Your words are full of love and wisdom.

    Even though my sister barely has enough energy to walk to the computer some days, she still keeps up on you and prays for you (she is pretty amazing too:) So, I just wanted you to know that you have touched her deeply and especially now during this very hard time, your words continue to speak to her heart.

    My sister is my hero. Her beauty, faith and strength are inspiring and overwhelming. Thank you for writing words that bring her heart comfort and inspiration right now. You are a blessing to us; total strangers.

  11. I am moved to tears when I think of what God has done for me. I am moved to tears when I consider how unworthy I am of His love…and yet He loves me anyway. I am moved to tears when I drive up the canyon road (Hwy 6) and am in awe of His beautiful creation. I am moved to tears when I think of my boys, and how much God loves them. Most of all, I am moved to tears when I realize I am “co-existing” and how much I miss Him.
    Thank you, Adrienne, for this powerful and moving post…which brought me to tears.

  12. Thank you SOOOOOO much for your words!!! I completely agree that it is “co-existing” and I’ve been doing it for toooooo long! NO MORE!

    I found your “story” while blog-hopping about a month ago, and I cannot seem to get enough. Your faith AMAZES me, and while I grieve for your loss, I am also sooo thankful that you are sharing it with others (and showing that amazing faith of yours). God knew what he was doing when he placed Noah in your lives for such a short time. . .you may not know the reason yet, but I am CONFIDENT that God will continue to reveal this to you.

    Thank you again for your posts!

  13. Adrienne, this was such a beautiful post. I’m struggling with this very issues right now and seeing it spelled out right in front of my eyes was just what I needed. Thanks for being willing to share these thoughts! They’ve touched me and challenged me to dive in deep with my relationship w/ God.

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