So, this may sound extremely weird, little man, but just as you grew in my belly and I thought of you often, like everyday and all the time, but never got to see you, it’s kind of how it still is for me…(except I’m not as bloated…)
Any Mommy who loses a child dreams of special moments they could savor for just a second more. Noah, the one place on earth you were safe was in my belly. I got to share you with Daddy and Em, but at night, it was just you and me, snuggling…you know, kind of…I remember wrapping my arm around you in my belly and holding you. I enjoyed our conversations and tickling whatever part you decided to let protrude below my ribs. I would try to guess, but only you knew…
Your Daddy and I really miss you. Em asks about you a lot. She asked just tonight how old you would be if you were alive. I told her almost 2. She needed to know the exact age so I informed her 1 year, 11 months, and two weeks. Apparently, son, the repetitious approach of your impending birthdays, the day you went to the hospital, the day your lung collapsed, the day you went to see Jesus…apparently the days that precede it are doomed with longing and anxiety for me. Don’t worry, sweet guy, I don’t mean it in a bad way. I believe our hearts, those of us left behind, allow us to feel this pain so we will always remember. The thing is, though, it’s impossible to forget, nor would I ever choose to.
This past weekend, in addition to the countless soldiers past, present, and future, who have joined you or will one day, we chose to remember our family and friends. Noah, there isn’t a day, literally, not one, that goes by that I don’t think of you and miss everything about you. But, you see, there are days that go by that I don’t think of the people that are still here with me, breathing the same air I do. I take them for granted because their parts are still going strong and they are a phone call away.
So, while your sister and Daddy and I planted beautiful trees in the backyard over the weekend, we decided that each one would represent our family, naming them after your great grandparents, your grandparents, your aunts, uncles, cousins, Big Sis, and Daddy and Mama, and, of course, sweetie, one for you. You and your sis have beautiful Maples. Nobody else gets Maples. What? Yeah. A lot of trees…but, when we sit out there under the stars and hear the breeze blowing through the branches, we’ll pray to the Lord and remember His blessings, His goodness, His faithfulness, and how full our lives are with the hope of one day being altogether as a family.
I miss you, Noah, and I will always remember. Mama xoxox
What a beautiful thought to your son…. you truly are one amazing lady. I was moved to tears when reading this.
While no two grief experiences are the same, there are common threads that we all share. One of these involves “the days”, and you are sharing so poignantly what they mean to you. For several of us in my grief support group, the second year is proving to be more difficult than the first. Best we can put a handle on that, it seems to be because some of the numbness has subsided and the sting is felt more acutely. The first year, it seemed as though we went through the mechanics of a year without him/her. The second year, it’s for real. This is not just a dream. He/she will not be coming back. “Oh grave, where is your victory; oh death, where is your sting. . . but thanks be to God Who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Our prayers continue with all three of you each day.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and my 2 year 4 mth old watching that darned barney my heart aches so poignantly for you…
This is what the Lord put in my heart: I am the God above death!!!!!
Oh Sweet Jesus, remember that also.
I have been following your blog since January 2006. You have blessed me in more ways than you will ever know and I think of your little Noah often. I think God was preparing me as much as any mom can be prepared…
I lost my twin boys in March due to pre-term labor. They were born at 23 weeks and lived for 2 and 3 days. I often thought of you in the days after and the words you had written. I don’t think I am grieving as eloquently as you are but know that you have given me strength and the hope that I will survive this.
Thank you. You are truly a blessing!
I hope my boys are playing with your Noah!
I love how you write to Noah. I know it’s for him, but it touches my heart as well. I think of your son often, especially when I hear of another Noah. Such a good name! Praying for you and others who have had a child go on before. Blessings, Melissa
Again, so sorry that you have to be without him for awhile.
Correction and a few things…I said, “Any Mommy who loses a child dreams of special moments they could savor for just a second more.” I apologize because I know this feeling is real for ANYONE who loses SOMEONE special, not just a Mama…this letter was to Noah, but my purpose in sharing my grief experience is to encourage anyone walking through it.
Second, Milt, Matt and Molly are so blessed to have you in their lives! I’d love to meet you one day! You have such a tender heart and so much wisdom. I feel like it’s Christmas every time you write from your own experience because what you share is priceless, though not painless, and I am richer for your sharing it. Thanks!
I miss her so much too….I am anticiapting the days ahead with you. Replaying so many of the precious memories…can’t wait to sit under the trees with you and dream. Love you….
Ade, you probably already know this, but in case you haven’t checked since yesterday…I’m making an assumption that you’d want to post about Todd and Angie’s nephew…I cannot even believe it…we are just on our knees again, still…
This was just beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine how much your heart hurts. One thing I want to learn when I get to heaven is why some people lived long, glorious lives and why others were cut tragically short. We will never know until we are face to face with the king. Love you!!!
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what a beautiful photograph! oh my goodness. your post said everything. beautifully.
I am amazed each day at your story. I’ve been following your family for some time now and when it seems that things aren’t going so great in my life, I just pull up your blog and remember to Thank God for the life that I have here on Earth. Another blog I follow is http://www.ninetynineballoons.com
I’ve been reading since September of 2006 and check your blog often. Even though I haven’t experienced the personal lose you have, your words are such a comfort to me.
I was going to ask you to pray for Todd and Angie Smith’s family, but see where someone else has posted that. Your prayers would mean so much to them now.
Grace and peace be with you,
Thank you for sharing your tribute to Noah with us. I miss him too, your sweet boy that I haven’t met yet and look forward to meeting in Heaven one day.
May God give you great comfort today. I’m praying for you.
Beautiful picture and beautiful words, Adrienne. With prayers from Athens, GA, ERIKA and the Whites.
I just wanted to say that I love this picture of you and Noah.
hi adrienne – i am new here and i want to tell you i am so encouraged by the beauty of your words. your heart is sweetly evident in your writing and your attitude.
When I am feeling weak and losing my faith, I go to this website and to Audrey Caroline’s for a booster shot of faith. Always works! So thank you!
This photo of you and Noah, enjoying time in the mommy spa, just drove me to tears.
I wish I had a photo as precious as this, either with my one successful pregnancy (a now 24-year old daughter) or any of my five miscarriages, though I did not look as beautiful as you did (I had a pregnancy pallor of pale and green), and I didn’t stay pregnant long enough with my lost ones to start to show.
Strength to the Smiths …