So, this may sound extremely weird, little man, but just as you grew in my belly and I thought of you often, like everyday and all the time, but never got to see you, it’s kind of how it still is for me…(except I’m not as bloated…)
Any Mommy who loses a child dreams of special moments they could savor for just a second more. Noah, the one place on earth you were safe was in my belly. I got to share you with Daddy and Em, but at night, it was just you and me, snuggling…you know, kind of…I remember wrapping my arm around you in my belly and holding you. I enjoyed our conversations and tickling whatever part you decided to let protrude below my ribs. I would try to guess, but only you knew…
Your Daddy and I really miss you. Em asks about you a lot. She asked just tonight how old you would be if you were alive. I told her almost 2. She needed to know the exact age so I informed her 1 year, 11 months, and two weeks. Apparently, son, the repetitious approach of your impending birthdays, the day you went to the hospital, the day your lung collapsed, the day you went to see Jesus…apparently the days that precede it are doomed with longing and anxiety for me. Don’t worry, sweet guy, I don’t mean it in a bad way. I believe our hearts, those of us left behind, allow us to feel this pain so we will always remember. The thing is, though, it’s impossible to forget, nor would I ever choose to.
This past weekend, in addition to the countless soldiers past, present, and future, who have joined you or will one day, we chose to remember our family and friends. Noah, there isn’t a day, literally, not one, that goes by that I don’t think of you and miss everything about you. But, you see, there are days that go by that I don’t think of the people that are still here with me, breathing the same air I do. I take them for granted because their parts are still going strong and they are a phone call away.
So, while your sister and Daddy and I planted beautiful trees in the backyard over the weekend, we decided that each one would represent our family, naming them after your great grandparents, your grandparents, your aunts, uncles, cousins, Big Sis, and Daddy and Mama, and, of course, sweetie, one for you. You and your sis have beautiful Maples. Nobody else gets Maples. What? Yeah. A lot of trees…but, when we sit out there under the stars and hear the breeze blowing through the branches, we’ll pray to the Lord and remember His blessings, His goodness, His faithfulness, and how full our lives are with the hope of one day being altogether as a family.
I miss you, Noah, and I will always remember. Mama xoxox