Series: Practicing His Presence


I’m starting a practice, an intention if you will, of sitting still for 5 minutes with my eyes closed and my fingers on the keyboard. It’s not to write, as far as a writing practice, but it’s my heart and intent to sit with my soul and ears open so I can hear the Spirit of God. Over the last 28-ish years I’ve “heard” God speak to my heart on several occasions. When I say He spoke to me, it means a smarter thought came to me than I could possibly think up…it often also means hearing something contrary to what my natural self seeks, as if God in His infinite wisdom may know something I don’t that would benefit me and my circle of life in the long run. Many journals are filled with my ever-changing handwriting from over the years, pages filled with God’s wisdom and encouragement to me, if I would only sit and listen long enough to scribe it, go back to it, chew on it, and allow my soul to be nourished by these moments.

So, below, I was going to post what He put on my heart yesterday but when I went over to Word to get the document and cut and paste it here, it disappeared. After 30 seconds of shock and holy-cow-ness, He said, “That was for yesterday. Today is a new day.”

I’m learning.

I’m not being legalistic about the time frame, but am trying to keep it to 5 minutes for the sweet taste of what can come when we stop and trust the Lover of our hearts with even just a snippet of this crazy, hectic life. He is longing to speak to us, are we willing to stop and listen?

October 24, 2014
Seek new manna each day. Don’t look for yesterday’s “day old” bread. It’s stale, lifeless, no longer filled with nourishment, whether it was true or not. Each day is a gift, a day meant to be fully lived. How long will you try to survive on left-overs? How long will you stuff your face and head and heart with junk food, time suckers that distract you from My will for your life? I am the Truest Truth you will ever know. The Enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy but I have come into the world to give life and give it abundantly. I am not a man that I would lie so trust Me when I say this. Each day I long to greet you, every morning when you rise I am cheering you on. Do not fret that there is too much to do or worry if you are in line with My will…I have not called you to a life of performance but rather one of obedience. I am gentle, and am not talking about obedience in the sense that people bicker over and debate discipline. My heart in creating you is for a lifetime of love and relationship. Let’s walk together each step of the way. It’s my favorite thing to come alongside my children and be invited into your daily bread. It’s there you will find true nourishment.

Lessons in Perspective

As I’ve been packing for this year of jubilee, a year of uncertainty and excitement and purging and dreaming, it has been a journey of memories, going through every drawer and cupboard, finding pictures and notes and mementos of a whole lot of life lived.

And even in the living and losing, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Do I want my son back? Yeah. It’d be awesome to see Emily have a brother closer in age and to see Ryan want to be wherever Noah is…but I wouldn’t change our history, because it has molded who we are presently and each of us reflects Noah’s impact on our lives. We are all stronger for knowing and loving him…

I have one of those drawers in my dresser with treasures and keepsakes, hankies and heirlooms, pictures, relics from travels, each piece with a story of its own. As I was going through it the other night, making no headway on actually purging or packing, I came across some notes I had jotted down years ago for a speaking engagement. I wanted to share them here as they are handwritten and may get lost in the move. I also wanted to share these notes because re-reading them tonight it somehow felt fresh, as if someone else needed to read it. I’m not going to take the time right now to give a play by play of what was going thru my head and heart when I wrote this, but if any of it resonates with you and you’d like to open a discussion, I’d totally be down with that…

“Peace, Perspective, and Perseverance”

Moses’ Mom’s level of trust at the river’s edge was, “Did I really just do that?!” while his sister was thinking, “Did you just stick my baby brother in the river?!”

  • I knew Noah was God’s kid from the beginning – he was dedicated to God in the womb.
  • Not until we went to the hospital did I begin to grasp just a glimpse of the “bigger picture.”
  • At first I thought that meant a miraculous healing, one that would lead many to Christ’s unconditional love – that’s when I tried to cut a deal with God.
  • As things progressed I thought it would be God raising Noah from the dead in order to reach people for Him.
  • It never crossed my mind that in Noah’s death people’s lives could be reached because his life was so short in human terms. A tragedy.
    • I thought I had it all figured out how it would look…God either heals Noah or raises him from the dead, then for the rest of his days, we would spread God’s love to the ends of the earth.
  • It made total sense to me and God got all the glory either way…
  • When it was clear in the natural what God was requiring of us, I remember thinking I would still have faith in God and trust Him but I most certainly wouldn’t believe in/or pray for healing and miracles…
    • That’s when my heart changed…
    • I realized I had boxed God in…
    • I surrendered to God’s bigger picture:
      • That JUST MAYBE He knew what He was doing since He was the:
        • Creator of the Universe
        • Put every star into place
        • Made man out of dust
        • Knew the hairs on the heads of over 6.5 billion people, etc
      • That JUST MAYBE He saw physical death in a WAY different way than we did…(like the Garden of Eden where they were able to experience His physical presence…)
    • So, what then? Could I truly trust God with Noah in the total sense of the word?
      • If I didn’t, I couldn’t trust Him with smaller things…
    • I realized the healing or miracle wasn’t that the story turned out the way I wanted but that my limited heart could be miraculously healed enough to TRUST God and that He is true, no matter what I see or feel…
  • The other day I told Em I loved her as big as the Universe. She said, “Mom, do you love me more than you love God?” I said, “No, sweetie, I don’t. I love you as BIG as I can love you on Earth, which is really, really huge, but I love God more than you or Daddy or Noah, and it’s in loving and trusting Him that I have the ability to love you exactly how you were designed to be loved…” And after saying this to her, I felt a little like Moses’ Mom probably did as she knelt next to that raging river…

(*I have a ton of journals and notes and thoughts running through my head and heart, things I want to share here, but presently don’t have tons of time to scribe. We close on our house in 3 weeks and then will start traveling right away. I want to share more on that, but for now, I just felt like I was supposed to share this…)

In the words of my Mom who said this every. single. night of my life:

“Goodnight. God Bless You. I love you.”

Get Your Party Started

On October 11, 2014, my Dad, sisters and I threw a party we should have thrown years prior, but under different circumstances. Life gets busy. We have jobs and spouses and kids and appointments and things to do and budgets and we get tired and the thought of traveling with niños in tow is less […]

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10 Things I Love About Our House

photo 1[1]

Our realtor asked me to write a list stating 10 things I love about our house, neighborhood, and community in order to share with potential buyers. I thought I’d share it here because for me it’s so much more than a way to sell our house. Even though my heart is longing and ready for […]

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“The Other Woman”

The other day I babysat 5 kids ages 5 and under. I know, it’s grounds for sainthood, but that’s not the point of this post. And, technically, I only “babysat” 4 since one of them was my kid. Details. Anyway, one of the sweeties came over to me and said that so and so had told […]

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An Alien, A Professor, and a Womanizing Motorcyclist

photo courtesy of:

(*I’m not a celebrity stalker, but the death of Robin Williams so close to my Mom’s makes it all raw and real and I’m moved to share…) We moved from Ohio to Arizona in 1978 and shortly thereafter I became a “latch-key” kid. Part of the transition included my Mom going to work once we got […]

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On Weddings and Funerals

These miniature Calle Lilies were so gorgeous, I couldn't pass them up! We did almost all of the flowers ourselves except for a few beautiful bouquets friends and family sent to the church.

In preparation for my Mom’s memorial (funeral) service, I wrote out more than a dozen pieces, trying to figure out just what to say. Once it was determined I was the one who would be sharing the message, I prayed and pondered how to sum up 42 years of MY memories with a woman who […]

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Time: My Love Language

6/15/14, taken by Vanessa Kruse Photography

My number one love language is time…and I think that’s why this grief is so incredibly profound. My Mom was too young to be as old as she was when she died. She wasn’t an “old” soul. She was wise and discerning beyond her years, basically with enough God-discernment to qualify for a lifetime, but […]

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A Matter of Obedience

Here’s what obedience looks like…

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Bedside with Bebe, Literally

This is a hand I've held for 42 years...

(*I started writing this the morning of June 19th) It’s all surreal, carpet burns on my knees as I position myself to be helpful to my Mom, rubbing her back while playing worship songs in her ears, reading Scripture over her, telling her how very grateful I am that she would call me her own, […]

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