Have you ever been disobedient? It’s a word we like to throw around with our children, not even throw it around but use it with firm voices and wish for it with all of our hearts. We camouflage it with cooperator, team, make a good choice, blah, blah, blah. We think it’s worse at: toddler age, preschool age, preteen, teens, 20’s. But the reality is, I’ve been being disobedient and I’m 42.

I’m a “grown-up” and have known better for years upon years. But I’ve cared…what others think, cared that what has been on my heart is: too rough around the edges, not polished, not mainstream enough, certainly not what ears and hearts want to hear.

But there’s no time like when your Mom is fighting for her very breath and days are cherished to finally start obeying, not just the encouragement of my Mom, but God. Obeying God. And He has spoken through my Mom to my heart on numerous occasions to be bold and SPEAK, to answer my call from Him, not wait for the permission of others when I’ve had His all along.

You see, God has put a lot on my heart over the years to share with others either face to face, via writing, on my blog or even vlogs, but I’ve fought against the System and many times, held back. Because even though I have social media accounts, I’ve been nauseated by how it’s used, how self-promotion crosses lines every day, how intimacy with the Loving and Living God is marketed and promoted with paid-for ads, making sure to be “engaged” on social media for a certain amount of time each day, hobnobbing with the right people on the Web, looking for the stamp of approval of others.

Except…remember that part where Jesus was God in the flesh and came to earth and lived here among us for 33ish years and didn’t Tweet one thing He did that day, and how He didn’t have a fan page or even post inspirational photos on Instagram of His miraculous healings, even though what He did and had to say was, oh, I don’t know, like, the end all, be all, most important thing in the whole wide world to ever say. Ever.  I’ve teetered on the edge of wanting everything I do for the Lord to be authentic and grassroots and of Him, and worrying if I’ve crossed the line by even hitting “post” or casually promoting something. I so don’t want it to be about me that I know there have been many times when I haven’t spoken at all, whatsoever, not a word, and in truth, been just plain old disobedient. But my friend, Erin, told me, “Ade, I read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John…and they are all about Jesus, not about themselves…” Touche.

Now let me say this, God and I don’t have a relationship where He is demanding my obedience. I LONG FOR AND DESIRE to obey Him because of His love for me and my awe and love for Him. This lesson alone has taught me much about parenting my kids because demanding obedience, “Because I said so, that’s why” isn’t rooted in trust and love but rather fear. And though a healthy fear of listening so we don’t get hit by cars is important, so is a healthy fear of obeying God when He leads, not because He’ll smote us if we don’t, but because there is beauty in trusting Him in total faith and only when I do am I able to experience all He has for me.

So, almost 2 years ago a friend was praying for me and for Bevy, my non-profit organization that my Mom named, so you could actually call her the “founder” (it’s a 50’s word that means, “A group of birds or girls”). And while praying for us, this is what God put on my friend’s heart: “The next move of God is going to be through a nameless, faceless generation who is truly concerned about Him getting glory. If Bevy is aligned with that, you’ll be in for the ride of your lives watching God move, creating more stories that make Him look like the Only Man Show.”

And so this is where this post comes in…my Mom introduces me as her daughter who is a “minister.” She tells people I’m a “pastor”, that I have a non-profit, that I’m a writer…she tells me that I’m supposed to SPEAK and I’m supposed to share what God puts on my heart.

And I haven’t. I have not done this entirely, whole-heartedly, without abandon. I have held back because I’ve been told I’m too much, too bold, too, too, too. Imagine having lost a son and still holding back some of the things God has put on my heart! And my parents are the ones who named me, “Adrienne: Dark, Bold, Rich, Confident.” I didn’t make up the definition, it was already there before I was born.

So, I’m done holding back. If my Mom is going to live like she is dying, her “Bucket List” to preach all God has put upon her heart over the years, not allowing the Enemy of her heart to snuff out God’s love and message for whomever will listen, I have to follow suit, live up to my name. She is leading by example and I want to show her that I finally get it…life is short, it’s precious, time is of the essence, there are people who aren’t fully living because they are believing lies about our loving God, and I’m here on earth to convey that LOVE to whomever I meet.

I’ve been soaking up my Mom’s wisdom for years, watching her study each and every page of her Bible, been a beneficiary of her prayers and her direct line with God. None of this can be lost on me. It’s time for me to walk in obedience, whatever that may look like to this rebellious heart.

Am I the only rebellious one or has anyone else out there not shared what God has placed upon your heart for whatever reason? What better time than the present to get moving?