Three months ago today I died.
You see, when we had the big ethics meeting back in November or December, I sat in there with a bunch of people, some family, some friends, loving caretakers, and some random strangers, and in the midst of feeling like I was pleading for someone to step up to the plate and take a chance to try to save our son, whether it be experimental or what, I said out loud, “I am going to die if my son dies. I know I won’t be able to live…”

Well, I can honestly say that on January 12th, I died along with Noah. I died to the life of 35 years that I had previously lived. I died to myself, and though I was born again for eternity 20 years prior because of Christ, I died to my own selfish pursuits in life.

I’m so happy I died. I feel like I can finally live!



35 Responses

  1. So many times you inspire me through your words Adrienne and all I want to do right now is wrap my arms around you and squeeze you. You have helped so many people by being so selfless and open with your raw emotions. And have truly shown me the way back to God.

    Thank you again from the bottom of my heart, for being brave enough to continue on after sweet Noah left your arms and for sharing your life, your family and the word of the Lord!

  2. I morn for your loss, but rejoice with your growth in Jesus’ love. Not all can come through life issues better. You are a great encouragement to allll of us! Thank you again for sharing your pain, suffering and growth.

  3. i feel like we all died a little that day. i think each of us on our own journeys lost something that day that we are replacing with the love, power, strength, hope and glory of the Lord.

    much love to you,
    katy yates

  4. I agree w/what Katy said. I miss Noah, even though I have never met him or you. And, I am so glad you continue to share your thoughts as God teaches you and you grow. Some people come along in our lives and we never forget them, we are forever changed. I feel that way about you. I didn’t find your blog by accident. Thank you.

  5. Ade, what a beautiful post. You always put it so eliquently. There are so many people who love you guys and are touched by the words that you type. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today…Love, Me

  6. I understand your heart and words perfectly here today. I too, uttered some words, much the same as yours. I have more recently begun to see how closely tied my joy is to my grief. I never would have guessed, and I never would have known this truth, had I not experienced death. In the terms you write of here.
    I just had some ‘drama’ on my blog, regarding a scrap page I made in which I sort of talked about this journey. The controversy I think comes from those who cannot begin to understand the fact that ‘to die is gain’. I just know that my daughter’s death, and Noah’s death and others are not in vain…but serve to glorify and magnify the power of Christ OVER death. Even in the lives of those of us they leave behind.
    I am encouraged that you have come to this realization and have embraced it in your life. It truly is beautiful…and most definitely a reflection and testament of Christ in you.
    Continued love and prayers.

  7. We all must come to that place of death in ourselves before God can really bring forth what HE had in mind all along. We each meet it in different ways and at different times. He is such an individual God to each of us.

  8. (((((Adrienne)))))

    I am thinking of that verse about unless a grain falls into the ground and dies…. but if it dies it bears much fruit.

  9. Happy 3 month birthday with God Noah!
    I can not begin to understand the vast range of emtions you must feel minute to minute, but I hope knowing that you have inspired so many of us with your words and pictures helps a little.

  10. I think I “found” you sometime late in January, yet I feel like I’ve known you much longer than three months. Thank you again for sharing your story. You are a strong woman and your blog has really encouraged me.

  11. Reading your blog enspires me on so many different levels. Even though I dont know you personlly I still visit your blog daily and envy your courage and strength.

  12. Thats heartbreacking and beautiful. What a beatiful boy he is! I know that you feel that having another would be hard becuase you would always want him or her to be Noah but God is good and makes all things new and brings good to all that love him! Bless you and your beautiful family!

  13. Adrienne…

    It’s been a while since I have teared up reading one of your blogs. Not because I have become desensitized, but because I have learned to learn from your blogs…I have been inspired. It’s funny, because there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Noah. I was reading in the bible last night about Angels, and by literal definition, Noah was and is an Angel. His life has brought so many to Christ, new believers and strayed believers alike. I think about Noah daily, and I am genuinely sad that I did not even think about today being a three month anniversary. It must be hard for you today I could imagine, to think three months ago was the last day you spent with your little boy, and that is why I cry while reading today’s blog. I put a prayer request in last week’s offering dish for the prayer teams to pray for your family’s continued strength. I pray daily for you and your family as well. The first time I read your blog and found out that Noah died on January 12th, it was only a week after that. I thought at the time, what was I doing on the 12th. I was driving to Big Bear, miserably ill…feeling sorry for myself, not imagining somewhere out there someone was losing their child. Around 1:45 we were driving up the mountain. There will be so many more months when the 12th rolls around, where we will all stop and think, and especially you Adrienne, and your husband and daughter, and you will think of Noah’s rebirth. By God’s will, you shall find joy and strength in such sadness. There are no tears past the gates of heaven…always remember Noah is an Angel watching over you guys, and he is not sad, for he is with our Father who is taking great care of him.

    Take care Adrienne and family

    Mary Geeslin

  14. I have no words…but had to leave a comment…Praise to our Lord!

    “Knowing” Noah has led me a closer walk with our Savior. What a wonderful legacy that is.

  15. I have been reading about your journey for several months. What a blessing your faith is to so many. We not only fell in love with your “little man” but with all of you. You will be forever in our hearts and prayers. Our son is married to a childhood friend of yours and he put me in touch with your writings some time ago. Your experiences have been very faith building for him as for all of us. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us and please know that we continue to gain from your writings. Love In Jesus. Erika

  16. I wish so badly that this was not your reality. Even though good has come from it and bless your heart, you are always atuned to the blessings God has put in your life. I still ache for you…for your sweet baby boy. May God continue to fill you with peace.

  17. Every time you post a photo my heart craves to know what was happening in it. Had Noah already passed to Jesus in the photo or what were you thinking and feeling.

    Your journey is not one most of us have to make and it makes us crave to learn more about what was happening because its your journey alone that has taught me so much.

    I am glad for that and thankful you share.

    Like someone else said happy 3 Months with Him Noah. I hope the clouds tickle your toes and the sun warms your sweet face every day.

    And happy three months to you Adrienne. You have done the most incredible things in these three months. So much more then anyone else in your shoes would have done. You should be proud of yourself.


  18. Adrienne
    YES …YES…. YES!!!!
    God Bless you and the
    inspiration that you are
    for people to know and love & grow in Jesus….
    AND, the inspiration you are to other moms…like you, like me
    who had to say good-bye and let go of our babies soft precious bodies all to soon….In the blink of an eye.
    Bless you Adrienne….God just
    pour His blessings on you.
    Lynda Bishop

  19. Adrienne,
    Thank you so much for your inspiration. Every time I read your entries I can honestly tell you that I want to run straight into the arms of Jesus and want to know him more. You make me want to be an excellent mother and cherish each and every moment that I have with my boys. Thank you!
    I know you will never have a day, possibly even an hour that you do not think of Noah(having never been through losing a child I am not aware of how it hurts or how time heals or does not heal)..however it hurts I can imagine that there is an emptiness that may never fade so I am praying that you will ALWAYS come running to His cup so that you will never run dry and that you will find a never ending garment of praise for your heaviness. I do not know your routine and I know you are strong in Him .. if I may encourage you to sit at His feet and worship Him and pour your tears out to Him. I have felt so far away from God for the last few weeks and as I read your thoughts I try to think of something, some way to help you and I realize you are helping me and you encourage me to sit at His feet and worship because He is God and He does give and He does take away.. the only way to get through this life is to know Him and to bow down and worship.
    Thank you for showing me how to stay faithful!!!!!

  20. Today in church we studied Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn; for the SHALL be comforted.”

    This is how my hubby put it, “Empowered to prosper are those who soberly assess their lives and they will find comfort.” Death makes us look at life and that is a painful thing but a good thing at the same time.

  21. Just when I thought the tears were through and I could not cry anymore for Noah … I have been proven wrong.

    I sit here and look at that picture and read those words “three months ago today I died” and I am crying!!

    Thank you for sharing … and for the lovely pictures!!

  22. Utterly and amazingly beautiful. The photo, the words, your spirit.

    Many thanks as always for sharing with us and much love to you all!

    I’m sure I’m not the only one who, when you post these photos, wishes they could reach right in and hold Noah right along with you all. To feel the love that was in that room at that moment, the unspoken feeling that was captured on film. It’s an amazing blessing to be able to have.

  23. Adrienne, Lots of people have said it already, but you are an encouragement to so many people! I pray for your family often, and thank God for the ways that you glorify Him, even in the midst of your suffering. Much Love, Erika 🙂

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