I just thought of that title so, either this list will be a piece of cake and I’ll need to make a part 2 and 3, or I will need to make some stuff up.

  1. My upper arms.
  2. My bent towards inconsistency.
  3. How my self-worth is so closely knit with 10 lbs of fat and whether I eat “clean”or not…or not.
  4. My eternal optimism for everyone else, but inability to offer it to myself.
  5. How I can treat the people I love the very most with complacency when I feel fat and failure-ish because I eat a carb instead of not.
  6. My unrelenting desire to make peace between others but my inability to make peace with myself.
  7. The fact that I could even write a list like this.
  8. That I am an isolationist when I don’t have my shit in order.
  9. How I will believe the best about you to a fault, even if you actually suck as a person.
  10. #3 and #6

A couple of weeks ago I sat on the floor in my closet and cried.  I hadn’t tripped trying to change my clothes, hitting my head on the dresser or wall or anything.  It wasn’t due to a physical injury.  I was crying because I’m messed up.  I was crying out to God.  “How can my worth be so intrinsically connected to the fat on my body?!?!  I don’t want to be this shallow!  I know You designed me to matter so WHY can’t I break free from this endless battle that rages in my head and heart?  Why can’t I just eat clean and be done with this friggin’ ‘journey’?????”

On Mother’s Day my daughter gave me a poem she had been working on for a couple of months.  Here it is, written exactly as she did:

why i love you mom
you are funny
you love me more than stars in the sky
you comfort me when I’m sad
I can talk to you about anything
you are fun to hang out with
you would do anything for me
you care for me
you’re compassionate
you’re creative
you’re loving
you have a good sense of humor
you’re talented
you can find good in anything
you have a awesome sense in fashion
andddd you’re awesome!!!!!!!!!!
you know me so well
mom, these are some the reasons i love you

I’ve never let Emily know how much I’m not a fan of myself.  I’m a good liar…except I’m actually known for totally sucking at lying.  I can’t do it.  I have never said, “I’m fat or ugly or I don’t like myself” in front of her.  But she’s not stupid, in fact, she’s quite brilliant.  And like I said, I suck at lying, so I know I’m not pulling the wool over her eyes.

This is NOT the legacy I want to leave…

So, on Tuesday I’m headed to see a counselor who specializes in Eating Disorders.

Because the things she loves about me are there deep down inside and they matter and they are the things I know make up my true beauty.  And I actually do believe these things about myself, the “beauty” my daughter sees, but what I believe in my head just hasn’t quite made it to my heart and I think I need someone to help me get there…


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