It’s been a while. I wouldn’t expect you to, but I sure do. One night, 5 years ago last November, we had gotten some yummy Chinese take-out and were sitting in Noah’s room at The Children’s Hospital. As we finished up and started cracking open our fortune cookies, I grabbed one and said, “This one’s for Noah.” If you can see in the picture, that’s medical tape, the kind that used to keep tubes and crap attached to my sweet boy. We used it for other things, as you can see.
At the time I remember thinking, “Oh how great it would be if You would heal Noah, God, and we could go all over the world (a lifetime dream of mine) and tell everyone of Your faithfulness, love and power.” This was my initial response to reading, “You will step on the soil of many countries.”
It’s because I had seen myself with a grown son…remember? And so I naturally thought it was Noah…since he was my only son at the time and all. And Noah did step on the soil of many countries, so to speak, just not physically with his two sweet little feet. His blog hit every continent before he died, but that wasn’t quite what I had been thinking…
Well, fast forward 5 years. This post isn’t about Noah. It’s about how my heart leaps out of my chest every time I see pictures of a sweet mama and her boy, so very much in love, who are on a journey. It’s about how I can’t get them out of my mind, not because I want to, but because God continues to put them on my heart, all throughout the day.
I have mentioned him here before, but I’m asking you not to turn away. I KNOW reading about a kid that is dying is nothing less than gut-wrenching. It’s HARD. It SUCKS. It’s a volume of books filled with descriptive words that can’t really describe the heartache. I freaking GET IT! It’s why hundreds stopped reading my blog after Noah died. I understand. It’s not as fun as Pinterest or Facebook or a hundred million other things.
But I’m literally begging you to let your heart pray for Jarrett, Chelsea, Peyton, Conner and Trek, as they set off on a journey of living life to the fullest, one day at a time.
You see, someone close to them contacted me to pray for them…she had read Noah’s blog and couldn’t stop thinking about some of the similarities.
Here is where my heart is wrecked. We never wanted Noah to be stuck in a hospital bed his whole freaking life. That was never our dream for him…but because of a whole hellofalotta reasons, we were stuck. There were days I dreamed of stealing him out of the hospital and taking him home…but we couldn’t because we didn’t have home health care at the time. It was a big mess. The closest I got to showing him the world was this…whoopdefreakingdo!
Anyway, Chelsea’s heart is living out what I wished I could have done with Noah.
Am I living vicariously through them? Only the freedom part…I lived all the rest already.
Either way, my heart is crying out for them to RUN, PLAY, LAUGH, CRY, REST, STARE, LISTEN, SING, NUGGLE, SMOOCH, HOLD ON and LET GO all at once.
I pray for God’s love to fill every corner of their lives with such fullness that this time in their lives will ever be etched in their hearts.
I hate what they are going through but if I had it to do over, which I don’t wish for, but if I could go back, I’d run like hell out of that hospital and live whatever amount of time I had with my boy, free from the beeps and meds and tubes and tests and pokes and drugs and smells and unknowns.
I don’t despise what we went through, I do have to say, because 5 years later, I’m grateful to at least have the perspective that life is short. It’s time to live, today, right now, to the fullest. Time and the people in our lives are literally gifts from God for our joy.
It’s time you, or someone you know, stop holding back.
Stare at your children.
Laugh your ass off.
Play on the floor with your kids.
Tell your husband you love him.
Tell him you are sorry.
Turn off your freaking television. Hell, throw the damn thing away.
Stop caring what others think of you.
Trust God sees the bigger picture. Relinquish the control you think you need to have.
Live in wonder.
Baby Trek Atlas may not physically touch the soil of many countries in his short life time, but the way he’s living with his big brothers and mommy and daddy who adore him…well, he’s experiencing more love than many do in a lifetime. And, if you spend some time reading his mama’s blog, I would venture to guess he’ll have you looking around, wondering what matters, and making a few changes and tweaks to what is important.
That’s Trek, a 9.5 month old, teaching us a thing or two. That’s him stepping on the soil of many countries…