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Over it…

I have always been a leader. Leaders have to set an example. Leaders are watched. Leaders are emulated. When leaders are feeling down or empty, they feel trapped because to admit weakness is not something that those who look up to them want to accept…and, so, usually leaders hide it well, unless they don’t, and then they crack. I don’t know how to not be a leader except to just say, “I quit.” I want to be able to be weak sometimes. I want to admit that there are days I have nothing to give, when I don’t have anything encouraging to say to another person, and I don’t feel one way or another about it. I want to be able to cuss when it really counts and not have people wonder if I really love Jesus or if I should be in positions of leadership or not. I want to be able to drink half a glass and view it as half empty instead of always playing the eternal optimist. I don’t know why I feel so spent lately. I feel like the canary who is so excited to fly free from the grasp of the owner, only to be thrown down the dark tunnel, a tunnel dug for beautiful diamonds or other treasure, even just resource, but that’s kicking out toxic deadly gases instead…future’s not looking so bright for that bird. I’m discouraged that I am not changing the world, literally, physically, spiritually, on a grand scale, or even a small one. I hate that part of my story in trusting Christ includes a dead kid. Dead kid’s suck. I don’t recommend them to anyone! I miss my kid and my other one is growing up so fast. Another thing, I don’t understand why God made me a dreamer…an idea person. Dreams and ideas don’t mean jack squat if they don’t have legs. I don’t know how to give them legs or wings, if you will. That may be so simple for another, but I feel like the ‘gift’ of dreams and ideas has been wasted on the wrong girl. It’s torture being a dreamer that isn’t moving forward and has no clue where to go. For the last month I’ve been listening to “On The Way” by Elizabeth Hunnicutt on her new album “On The Way”. There is a line that says, “The path of least resistance was not meant for me to take.” I’m mad at that line. It’s a fabulous song and terrific album! It’s literally like she’s written my heart on her album, though she never even knew how I’ve been feeling. I just know that the path of least resistance wasn’t meant for me, or for anyone, because God has made us and we were never intended for mediocrity. But I’m tired. I feel like I am wired for serving God in a wonderful and beautiful way, yet why doesn’t my reality line up with those ‘feelings, dreams, ideas’? I think I ‘m over being a leader for a while. Jason says I sound a little cynical. Ya think?! I guess I was just feeling a little realistic, but if realistic is being called cynical these days, call me what you will. I am exhausted and literally have nothing to offer. And somehow, for the first time since I started this blog, simply typing these words just isn’t making me feel better…

20 thoughts on “Over it…

  1. Oh… how I feel a similar yet different way than what you just expressed…. I’m an emotional basket case at the moment and wondering if I’ll ever live fully in Christ as I had before heading off to Korea…. I’ve questioned God so many times and with so many different things over the past week or so… packing, homework, and change really take a toll on you and feeling so darn alone… I guess all I want to say is I’m praying for you and thank you for being someone who is real and honest about what they feel… love that you don’t just throw sunshine out there, but that you walk the road ahead one step at a time… whether a road with a beautiful setting or one that is full of rocks and bumps… I still feel honored and blessed that God brought my steps onto your path or your steps on my path, though not completely fond of the way it all came about… Blessings and hugs friend!

  2. You are so real. You make me smile because I see and hear so much of my personality in your description. I like it that you’re you. I hate it that I had to get to ‘know’ you through a blog that came about because of your dear sweet Noah. And all I can do for you is what I do for myself…pray that the Lord will use me as He has planned. And that I’ll be satisfied with that. Sometimes that is so hard as you well know.

    Thanks for being you and being real.

  3. I think your transparency is part of why people are drawn to you. You are the real deal! You have a way of reminding the rest of us that while our eyes are on the prize, we are just humans–not super-humans. There is something freeing about that.

    Also, God created visionaries to dream! He also made do-ers to do. [My hubby and I are each one of those and we make a heck of a team on home-improvement projects! :)] I know you know God created each of us that way with a different purpose, function, giftings & skill sets to fit the big puzzle, or body of Christ. I believe He will hook you up with the right legs [or do-ers]when the timing is right to bring those dreams to fruition. And when it happens, it’ll happen so quickly and seamlessly.

    Until then, don’t knock yourself for not bringing legs to your dreams–that’s not your part. Instead, keep trusting that ‘the steps of a [good] man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step]’, and keep trusting that those legs will come!

  4. One Flaw In Women
    Women have strengths that amaze men.
    They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
    but they hold happiness, love and joy.
    They smile when they want to scream.
    They sing when they want to cry.
    They cry when they are happy
    and laugh when they are nervous.
    They fight for what they believe in.
    They stand up to injustice.
    They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
    when they believe there is a better solution.
    They go without so their family can have.
    They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
    They love unconditionally.
    They cry when their children excel
    and cheer when their friends get awards.
    They are happy when they hear about
    a birth or a wedding.
    Their hearts break when a friend dies.
    They grieve at the loss of a family member,
    yet they are strong when they
    think there is no strength left.
    They know that a hug and a kiss
    can heal a broken heart.
    Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
    They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
    to show how much they care about you.
    The heart of a woman is what
    makes the world keep turning.
    They bring joy, hope and love.
    They have compassion and ideas.
    They give moral support to their
    family and friends.
    Women have vital things to say
    and everything to give.
    HOWEVER, IF THERE IS
    ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
    **Amen**
    Just wanted to remind you how amazing you are and thanks for keeping it real!

    Cindy
    Windsor, Ontario
    Canada
    your 2nd place(ahem)funny video award winner!

  5. thank you for that! I am at this exact place in my life and with it comes guilt but to know I’m not alone is so reassuring. I pray that this season for you will end shortly. We have mountains tops and valleys and why does it feel like my valley goes for miles and miles and miles….

  6. Adrienne,

    I felt that way after we lost our son…..
    Then we adopted……now we are doing it again. It’s changed our lives.

    Hang on…..good things are always around the corner!!

    Jess

  7. Adrienne,
    These cycles (for lack of a better word) of strength vs. the crash, seem to become part of us our entire earthly lives. I have felt the strong hand of God through so many times of up and down. It seems to be the “seasons” that Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 is referring to. Please go there, to that scripture, and read it outloud, over and over again, Adrienne. It has been such an encouragement to me through some times I thought I could not endure.
    Love,
    Thama

  8. I can’t think of anything better than what the amazing women before me have written, so I’ll just thank you for your continued honesty and frankness. Hugs and kisses friend 🙂

  9. “Go ahead…you can hit Weeza (sp?).. We’ll even sell t-shirts that say..’I hit Weeza'” Remember that line from (my favorite) movie “Steele Magnolias” with Sally Fields and Olympia DuKakis, Shirley McClain? It was the scene where MayLynn (Sally F.) {and this always makes me cry} at the cemetery where she has just buried her grown daughter (Julia Roberts) has her melt-down and cries “Why…Why..WHY!!!” in response to all the well meaning people at the funeral that ask her “how are you doing MayLynn,… she sure looked peaceful, didn’t she…to which she responds…”I’m fine”…”yes, she did”…and then here it comes…when her friends surround her, and walk with her…and for the first time she can be “REAL” with them b/c after all…she is and they are…friends. Not a psychologist to all of her patients, not the super-fixer, cute, all-knowing Mom and wife at home. She’s just a real, honest fragile-some of the times, woman. When I was reading your blog tonight…or rather this a.m. (I work the mid-shift) I thought of that scene with Sally Fields. I have thought of it many, many times in my life lately. I am thankful you allow us to read your thoughts! I thought you said it brilliantly! If I was there (and I don’t even know where “there” is) I would pat you on the back and say “BRAVO”.!! I hate it for you each and every time I click on your blog spot and see your title and know that the reason I was introduced to your blog spot was through another blog that recommended following your site and your new radio talk show b/c of your beloved Noah. I’ll tell ya though…I am truly amazed. Amazed at your strength, acknowledge the ONE who gave you that strength. Sometimes, it takes as much of that “blasted” strength….to be weak! You have to be strong enough to simply put down what you’re working on, close the door and say…Nope! not now! Don’t look at me…don’t look for me…I won’t be far, but I do need to be away from this all. Let me breath nothing but cool fresh air…for me. Go ahead, girl. Take a deep breath. The sun will come up this morning…and maybe it’s time to do NOTHING but feel the sunshine on your face. Listen to the wind, feel the simple things. It won’t change anything. But…maybe the little bit of quiet…will make all that noise fade away. (make sure your phone’s off–let the voice mail fill up) Oh…one last thing, isn’t that what all those icons on the top of the key board is for??? when you need to spell a #$%& cuss word??!! 😀

  10. You make a difference and impact the Kingdom with your words, your actions, your hope, your bold confidence, and I love that you are a leader, enduring the ebb and flow of life, a leader with longevity because you’re authentic and that makes you trustworthy.

    Your heart and your wisdom encourage me…the Enemy would like nothing better than for you to quit! I know you won’t…I love your blog and tune into the Well whenever I can…Noah is certainly a blessing that reaches far and wide…

    love, sarah

  11. You said regarding Elizabeth Hunnicutt – It’s literally like she’s written my heart on her album, though she never even knew how I’ve been feeling.

    That is how I feel about this post. Like you’ve somehow tapped into me and what I’ve been going through this past year. Different circumstances but the raw emotions are eerily similar.

    My low point was last December. And my blog? Well…let’s just say I haven’t been deep lately. Not to say my mind hasn’t been analyzing and working through a lot of stuff. I just haven’t shared it. Don’t have the energy to do it. Tired. That word seems to cover a lot of territory. And yet, I believe that I’m being restored…even now.

    Now I need to go check out this album. I’m not familiar with this artist but one thing is for sure, I can’t get the quoted lyric out of my head.

  12. I think everyone who suffers a loss of a child feels that way, in fact anyone who suffers a loss close to them. It is so easy for us to get caught up in the be strong for your baby or your family or just be strong, but we rarely get to hear be weak. I suppose because it can be taken out of content. I have many strong moments, however I fall weak, I find days when I don’t want to do anything but be sad in my house missing my baby, I own up to them and take those moments, however I make strong efforts to come out of that place and continue on living for all the ppl that everyone wants me to be strong for. Take your moment you have been through so much, you are still a leader in my eyes. Any women who doesn’t slit her wrist after the loss of child is the strongest women i’ve come across. I can understand your pain, I suffered a loss also. It does hurt like hell. So you are ok to take you moment, just see how beautiful you are and how strong you are and get up and start climbing back up that mountain.

  13. . . .Praying for you right this minute, Adrienne. Hang in there. Everyone experiences burn-out. . .Even those who aren’t grieving. And you are. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. But I do get utterly overwhelmed from time to time, with all of the pain and need around me, inside of my house and outside. I take great comfort in the fact that, “His strength is made perfect in my weakness.” I spend a lot of time feeling weak and needy. Love you, Erika (“Anothermadhousewife”)

  14. You said you haven’t changed the world, but you have. You have changed so many people’s lives and brought them through difficult times and brought many of us to Christ. Those people are in turn touching others lives, whether it be their children (as in my case), spouses, neighbors or whoever. You’ve done more than thousands of other people, combined. I am so thankful for you and your willingness to give. You’ve done more than you could ever imagine. Maybe you need a break, or maybe you are done with this aspect of your life. Whichever, what you’ve done for us will never be forgotten. I wish we could give back to you, and I hope we are by reaching out to others. Thank you.

  15. I hear you Ade. I have felt so similar these last couple of months.

    Take some time to just be. You can be weak – you are allowed to.

    I love you and so wish I could give you the biggest hug right now.

    I will pray instead.

    My love across the sea.

    Carly x

  16. U have changed the world…u have brought so many to Christ, and many followers even closer. I have followed your blog since before Noah went home with the lord. I cried when I learned that god called him home. Your blogs are truly inspirational. I have recently began my own blog about my kiddies, and you and your blog are part of the reason (pmgx2.blogspot.com). Please, do not for one second think you have not made an impact.

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