…I got nothin‘.

This is harder than I thought! I really do feel that besides funny things my kid does, my blog entries should be profound and thought-provoking. It’s self-inflicted. Some personality test I took once had me pegged as a “Responsibility” person. I guess if people stop by here, I want it to be worth their time. I know it’s not my deal, but it’s just how I’m wired. I mean, does anyone really care to know that today I filed my nails and made homemade croutons? Or, that 8 weeks ago I was given a free sample of Latisse and since then I’ve been growing some astounding eyelashes? Actually, you should see them…they are so stinking long! Anyway…

This season has been interesting for me. And by ‘this season’ I mean the state of constant change and uncertainty in which I currently reside. And by ‘currently’ I mean the last year probably. And by ‘the last year’ I probably could narrow it down to really the last 6 months, but not really more specific than that. Let’s just say, it’s not where I dreamed I would be as a 30-something…

I’ve been pondering a lot. I’ve been pondering life…and by ‘life’ more specifically I mean all the plans, dreams, ideas, aspirations, and whatnot that I once thought my life would be. The truth is, I’m not living the life I thought I would live one day. I’m not entirely disappointed. Sure, obviously some of it has sucked, but just because it’s not everything I’ve dreamed doesn’t mean it has all sucked.

I mean, getting married was in my life plan. And so I am…and that’s good. And by ‘good’ I mean, I am married to my best friend and I am totally in love with him…that kind of ‘good’. On the other hand, I was never one of those girls that was super duper excited about being a mommy. For me it was, back in the day, a take it or leave it idea. When my mom told me about sex I was thoroughly disgusted that she had done that 3 times (I have 2 sisters) and when she told me how babies entered the world, I recall vividly at whatever young age that was an involuntary defense mechanism take place between my knees at the thought of the pain and discomfort childbearing would entail. I thought, “Adoption…like, TOTALLY!”

Then, one day, early on in our marriage, a light went on in my heart and I saw what an amazing dad Jason would be. Shortly thereafter I declared, “We could probably have 2-4 kids and let’s do that after about 3-5 years of marriage.” 6 years into our marriage I had a miscarriage and 9 years into our marriage is when Emily came into our lives. I had thought I was going to be a doctor and drive a fancy car. Do I lament over the first miscarriage? No. If that pregnancy had been successful I might have stopped having kids after Emily and then I never would have met my Noah. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture…and that it’s good…

I personally think that there is a reason for everything under the sun. I mean, there was a reason I failed chemistry…(his name was Steve…he was really cute)…no, but seriously…if I hadn’t failed chemistry I would not have pursued a different course of study, which is where my true love for people really came alive. Do I wish I was a doctor? No. I have no regrets in this area. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture…and that it’s good…

And, I wasn’t trying to get pregnant when I had my miscarriage. But having one made me wonder about whether I was up for being a mom or not. Then we had Em and the moment we met her not only was I more in love than words can convey, but I knew I wanted more than just one. I was so in love with her I didn’t think, though, that I was capable of loving another child as much. Then I met Noah…you know the story there…I fell in love all over again. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture…and that it’s good…

We make choices. We make mistakes. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others. We openly and willingly at times say ‘No’ to God. We have an idea of how we think life should ‘go’ and we do everything in our power to point our lives that particular way. We try to exercise what we think are our rights or our independence, but the truth that I have found in all of it is God is bigger. I’m grateful that He is bigger and I’m also grateful that He has a sense of humor. If He didn’t, we’d all be squished by now!

Sometimes we think we ‘stumble upon’ things. Other times we believe the mistakes we have made are just too big. God is bigger. Life isn’t just something that happens. There is a purpose. You have a purpose. Changes are happening all around us on any given day and they aren’t just haphazard. Some may be our doing, others directed by God. But the truth is, God is bigger…and He sees a bigger picture…and that picture is good…even if we can’t see it clearly this side of eternity.

So, in my current situation, I may not be the picture of what I had dreamed one day…but guess what? He’s not done with me!



7 Responses

  1. well now, for havin’ ‘nothing’…you came up with a lot of meat there!

    this sounded like a very candid, honest look at your life. i think more people (me included) need to do this occassionally. admitting that we long for more, wish we could undo somethings, redo others…keeps us growing. pretending that life is all roses and sunshine is great for portraying a positive attitude—but if it isn’t honesty it accomplishes little.

    when you said life isn’t as you pictured/imagined it to be at 30’s….i have always felt like i’m waiting to ‘grow up’. you know, be the woman, i thought my mom was. do you ever feel that way?

  2. I can totally relate. I have been in that funk for the last few months. I don’t know if it has to do with nearing 40 or what but I’ve been realizing my life is not what I imagined it would be at this stage of the game. I have an AWESOME life but I thought by now I would have personally accomplished many more things. Other than the monotony of housework + meal-planning. 🙂

  3. I was having a similar conversation yesterday with someone. We were talking about how John the Baptist was a hinge between the Old Covenant and the new. His ministry was to pass the baton to Jesus. And there were prophecies and great things that John probably knew that his role in the story of Jesus was somewhat important, but he had no idea in the BIG picture what it all meant, except for what God revealed to him. And, his life is cut short (no pun intended) by an irate ruler with a really sadistic wife. He could only see a part of the picture and yet he was part of a BIG story. Gives me confidence that in the little I can see, there is a big story I get to be a part of.

  4. I know that you are supposed to blog…..because God uses you to say lots of things that are on other people’s minds, too……but you have a unique and God-directed way of saying those things….in ways that others can relate to. It is God’s gift to people through you. It is a “God thing”. Love, Mom xoxoxo

  5. I concur with Heidi Jo – for havin nothin, you sure said a lot. I think we all feel life isn’t what we thought it would be at this stage of our lives (no matter what age or where we are). But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it means that we hunger for more and that is a good thing.

    How did you get a free trial of Latise? I’ve been wondering if that really works. Please share how to get a free trial.

    Thanks for posting. We’ve missed your posts – well, at least I have.

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