Sweet guy, who knew you’d walk into my life and leave shortly thereafter? Who knew you’d wreck my heart but that the wrecking ball would take me down to my foundation, me before the God of the Universe, the very One who knew this before time? Who could look ahead and see that the wrecking and rebuilding would be so beautiful? Actually, who knew that losing you would allow me to live the way I was designed to live? Who knew that 7 months and two days could be such a profoundly short, yet life altering amount of time? Who knew? Who knew, certainly not me, that in the wee hours of the night, when it was just you and I and the Lord, that those prayers I poured over you would be answered in my life time? Who knew they’d continue after yours? Did you know that I prayed that you’d be a mighty man of God, all the days of your life? Did you hear me talking to the Lord when I sought His perfect will for you? Did you have a clue, sweet boy, of the plan God had for you? Who knew that the tears that soaked your head each night in the hospital would be more to prepare my heart for what He knew? Who knew that no matter how much I wanted your healing, along with thousands of others, He still had a plan that didn’t compute with my finite brain or even my huge faith? Who knew that what He knew didn’t fit into my box? Who knew as a mom that I couldn’t control your life or the life of anyone else, including me? Who knew that when God designed you, He didn’t just have my heart in mind for someone to draw closer to Him?
Did you know that you were the only other man on this earth besides your daddy that I have ever been so in love with? Did you know that you would have such an effect on your mommy? Who knew that the party in the delivery room with mommy and daddy’s friends would end up setting the tone for your life? Who knew you’d be such a sanguine?! Maybe Grandpa Steve, your namesake, knew? Who knows? Who knew you’d be an international world traveler before you went to go see the very One who made the world? Sweet guy, I always wanted to encourage people to not only accept the love of God but to fall in love with Him…who knew it would take a soft, sweet, beautiful, sick and dying little boy to inspire me to do it? Who knew?
If I had known, I would have done anything to fight it…I did do anything to fight it…If I had known, in advance, I would have said, “No Lord. Surely You must be mistaken! Surely there is a better way where we can all win?! Lord, do You know how much this will crush me? What about Jason? He is the most wonderful man in the world and a son like him would only make this world a better place? What about Em, Lord? She is so excited to be a big sister! Won’t losing her brother crush her? How will I explain this to her? And what about our family? Haven’t we had enough experience with death around here?!
I know You knew. I know You saw and can see the bigger picture. I know You know all about losing a Son. I know that Your heart was ripped out that day, too…the one 2000 years ago when Your Son died for the sins of the whole world. I know that You knew that even though it may not have made sense to the onlookers that day, that You had a plan, that it was good, that even Your Son sought You for an alternative, but You knew. You knew. You know. And in Your love for all of Your creation, Your Son was the Passover Lamb for all of us…

I’m glad You knew me before the dawn of time. I’m glad I know You. Lord, I don’t just know You, or about You, or even just that You love me, but Lord, I love You, too! And I trust that the day Noah was born, the day he died, and every day in between and after is a day You designed. You knew his sweet short life had a purpose, like every other sweetie that has gone before their parents, just like the ones we live every day, one day at a time. You have a purpose for each one of us. It’s is to love. Love…You knew. You know. Only the most radical love. You get it. That’s why You set the example. Thank You for knowing. I trust You…

*Today, in one hour, at 10am Mountain Time, I’ll be sharing live part of the story that God knew. Tune into www.castlerockradio.com and listen to the live feed. Or, check out www.thereturn.us at a later time for the archive show…thanks, in advance, for your prayers.



15 Responses

  1. adrienne…
    i wanted you to know that you were on my mind last night! i have come to love and appreciate “noah’s music” that you have posted here….in particular “jeremy riddle” and “enter the worship circle”! i have a couple of those albums and they bless my soul as i listen, so thank you. i found your video you posted on youtube…and i just watched and ached all over again with you. i am so sorry for your loss…i always will be…but so thankful for all that you have gained…because the Lord has blessed me…a distant sister in Christ by what you write and “God’s story” over your life. you are a blessing…and i thank God for you and the very heart and soul that He made of you.
    i look forward to your book and i look forward to every thought that the Lord puts on your heart…that you then share with us. may God continue to bless you in your every day…and if you will…though a stranger…please pray for me. i long to be at a place of strengthened faith as you have….for “God’s story” over my life to be profound and draw me ever nearer to Him. i long for that…and in my humanness, i fail, and i allow things to stand in between me and Him. so please pray for us…all of your readers…that God do a mighty work in us…through the very things He teaches us…in such moments as “noah’s story”.
    shannon stinson

  2. I pray that your time on the radio reaches those who desperately need it… and that you would speak boldly about your story, allowing the HS to speak through you. I pray that people would walk away knowing or just discovering the Love and Redemption of Jesus Christ.

    I pray that after listening to you, they might think…

    “wow, if she ‘survived’ her story, and STILL loves the Lord, now more than ever, well there must be something more… much more that God has to offer, if only I would live like Adrienne- boldly through this battlefield of life!”

    I encourage you to allow the Holy Spirit to speak through you, and that you would speak your story boldly… as you always do in your writing!

    God bless… Wow am I excited to hear you! This is going to be AMAZING!!

  3. I love reading what you write… i’m praying for you as I listen to you…. I know and pray that GOD is using this to touch someones life. HE is so amazing and loves us sooo much. I know HE is right there with you at this moment, friend.

  4. Just heard you on the radio online- and you were a brave soul sharing your story. I’m just glad I heard you talk- hearing you talk touched me, just as it does ‘on paper’. Thanks… Praise God for healing He brought through you- the vessel.

  5. I loved this post. I don’t love that Noah died and you have reason to write it, but I love that since Noah did die, you have made the choice to trust God all the same. You’re one of my heros.

    Can’t wait to hear how today went. Wasn’t able to listen, but hope to listen to the archive this weekend…

  6. Hey Ade-
    Thinking of you on this day, and weekend. Your family is in my prayers and your faith is something I admire. Praying that God will bless your Easter weekend and surround you with the love and peace that only He can bring!

  7. What a beautiful post. Following your blog early in Noah’s days in the hospital I was touched as any mother would. I cried and clung in pray and hope for a healing miracle for Noah. As time has passed I have felt your sorrow, pain and longing for your sweet son. Your selflessness, honesty, faith and love have been so beautiful and inspiring. More than that, it has allowed me to see how the Lord has worked in your life and how He has lifted you up, walked with and carried you, and held you close in His love for you. You are an instrument and I praise Him that you have been faithful and trusting in Him so that He may use you for His glory. Thank you for your strength and courage and most of all, your love for the Lord. Happy Easter…

  8. adrienne,
    i just got a chance earlier today to listen to the radio show…girl, you did amazing!!! the power of the risen Lord was in your voice (by the way so good to have a voice to put to your writings!) and i know that countless were strengthened by your words. i have felt a weight for you in recent days, praying for you and for God’s peace when the grief of not having your sweet man comes crashing in on you. thanks for your continued insight and guidance in our walks with Christ… the best is yet to come!!!
    heather flood

  9. Adrienne:

    I tried listening but the link on the Return site didn’t work. I would love to hear it so if you know of another place to get it let me know!

  10. I came across your blog from a link on MckMama’s blog. I was initally intrigued to come read about your sweet Noah because I have a sweet Noah of my own (4 months old) with special needs. This post and the questions you wrote for your little one brought me to tears, because they are so real to me.

    Just wanted you to know how beautiful that was.


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