deathgriefpregnancy the 5th time around

Apparently…

Apparently…stress brings about contractions…or at least megaBraxton Hicks.

Apparently…even though I have been trained throughout my life in different leadership settings to appear calm in extremely stressful situations, my body wasn’t trained as well.

Apparently…the European pregnant ladies know a little something because a half a glass of wine (don’t judge me…) during false labor shuts it right down…unless, of course, it’s not false!

I don’t have time to go early. I am 36 weeks and though I know that next week marks “full-term”, I still have stuff to do…plus, Jason will be out of town…and holding Em’s hand in the delivery room just isn’t the vision I have for welcoming this new little man into our family.

I go in tomorrow for a routine appointment. Hopefully it will be underwhelming in its findings…

I still have a nursery to decorate along with a good, thorough cleaning of this pigsty we are currently calling “home”…oh, and I haven’t packed my bag and I haven’t bought newborn diapers in four and a half years!

But I don’t want to do any of that. I want to sit and snuggle my kid and pat her little puppy, Lady, and cry because my heart is so sad.

You know, it would be nice to have material other than grief and death to blog about but, apparently, that’s not my lot in blog world.

Death sucks. I’ll say it again. Death sucks. It doesn’t suck for the one that has died because knowing Christ and meeting the Creator of the Universe is epic and quite impossible to explain or conceive on earth. Death sucks for those left behind, or as I say, “It sucks for the leftovers.”

I’ve said it more than once and I’ll say it again. Life on earth outside of God’s presence is not where we were originally designed to be. We all, though, only know this side of Heaven (at least if you are reading this and haven’t been there and back lately…) so, of course we try to make this life great and make the most of it. The only problem is, we forget that living on earth is as close to Hell as we should ever want to be. Earth is a fallen world.

Experiencing love and laughter, joy and hope on this earth is a sweet, sweet thing. God would have that every one of His created could know those beautiful glimpses. That’s what I need to hold onto…the reality that goodness here on earth is, quite possibly, a glimpse into life in God’s physical presence, yet mine to enjoy here and now…a taste.

Separation in death from those we have known and loved is a glimpse of the Fall of Man. It absolutely should hurt and cause us great sorrow.

Though, in knowing Christ, somehow in His miraculous strength, unfathomable to us, we are also able to have hope…

“Hope, however, that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” Romans 8:24

We hope for Heaven. We hope for the day that we will walk with Christ, tangibly, physically. We hope for the reunion of those who have gone before us.

I am just so grateful that I have hope in the midst of life on earth…and in the midst of grief.

I can’t imagine my life without hope… or without hope in the One who has given us life.

(Now, for my appointment tomorrow…I hope this little man knows he’s totally grounded if he thinks it’s acceptable to arrive any earlier than is convenient for his mama!!!! Doesn’t he know I have a lot going on?! #$%^&*)

8 thoughts on “Apparently…

  1. Adrienne- my heart is so heavy for the Arnold’s and all close to them- and that means YOU. But know that as soon as I stop typing this sentence I am going to be praying for you and for Baby Boy and for God’s perfect timing… starting… NOW!

    (okay, really after I type in your ‘word verification’ and hit ‘publish’. 😉

    Love you!

  2. Oh, Ade….it has been quite a while since I’ve seen you, and I just want to give you a big hug!!
    I can’t imagine what you are going through right now and am just praying for peace to transcend through you and for this baby to WAIT!!
    If there is anything I can do…please don’t hesitate to ask, I know you have a lot of friends nearby, but I am willing to do whatever I can.
    In the meantime, I will pray for your sad heart and peace, for this baby to wait, your friends’ family, safe travels for Jason, and the ability for you to just breathe and get the things done that God leads you to do.
    With much love,
    beth cochran

  3. Hope all goes well with your appointment. It’s great to have the Braxton hicks doing some of the work early on as long as its not fast tracking you right into labor. I definitely “get” the part about not being ready for the little man to make his appearance quite yet. I’ve been thinking about you.

    I am so sorry for another loss in your lives. I’ve been so heavy and sad for the Arnolds and all the family and close friends. One day there will be no more tears and sadness.

    Someone once said “The deeper the pain the greater the capacity for joy.” I’m not sure if that’s true, but I sure hope it is.

  4. You have been on my mind and heart a lot this week. Praying that God provides the perfect amount of peace in the midst of this storm. Lifting you, your family and your friends up in prayer.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. You’re faith, hope and love for the Lord is such a gift to so many…God is using you and your life to do many powerful things. Thank you for allowing Him to do so.

    Blessings of peace and rest this weekend!

  5. Adrienne,
    I have been praying for the Arnold family… and will be praying for you and your hubby as you grieve this loss too. Praying for peace for you and your body… that the Lord would bring this precious little one at exactly the perfect time… His time:) May our Great God be your strength and hope during this difficult time!
    Sara

  6. Adrienne-
    I love your blog! I love it not because I’ve lived the same experience , actually I love it because I haven’t( make sense?- hope so!) you have an amazing gift to articulate what every mom should cherish! You inspire me to be a better mom and to grab every moment before it slips away-now my part- to turn that inspiration into real life application! With Gods help right! So thank you for blogging even through tears many times, thank you for being real and thank you for being my friend!
    This new chapter is the redemption chapter! You are so good at living in the moment- just breathe…
    It’s all going to be great!
    Much love-
    Gabrielle

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