How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for He has been good to me.
Today I’m mad. I’m mad and I’m sad and I’m hopeful at the same time. It’s frustrating the range of emotions and thoughts that soar through my heart and mind on any one given day. One of my best friend’s that lives out of town asked me if I ever cry. I told her that I cry every day, some more than others and always for different reasons. Last night I was crying because I missed him so much and because staring at his pictures, I honestly cannot fathom how beautiful and perfect he was…Noah was the most handsome little man I have ever seen. This morning, I’m sad and mad at the same time…I’m mad that Noah ever got sick! I am frustrated that the doctors tried their best but it wasn’t good enough to save my son! I’m ticked off that nobody listened to me at the hospital about his diarrhea initially and just stuck a feeding tube in him and offered him O2, then, 3 weeks later, there are dead mice at the CDC that had been injected with Noah’s stool AND NOBODY KNOW WHY!!! I am angry that the very thought of getting pregnant again isn’t blissful but filled with anxiety and the foreknowledge that it will have to be a big fat step of faith, and if this all happens again, I will still know that that child will be safe in the arms of Jesus…though I’ll want it in mine. No, I’m not pregnant, but Jason and I don’t want Em to be an only child. Yes, there are so many ways to “get” a child, all of which we pray about and are open to if God leads, but I won’t lie and say that if we choose pregnancy again, I’m not going to wonder every day for 10 months if that kid has whatever the heck it was that Noah did…and then, every day after it’s born…
I am grateful that no one had a diagnosis, I’ve said that before, because I don’t like labels, and that would have named something that was not good which would have deterred us from having another child. It would have been pretty cut and dry. It would have been easier…But, that’s the other frustration…it’s not that straight forward. We have to have FAITH in order to get pregnant again. It can’t be one of those things we as humans so flippantly say, “Oh yeah, we’re going to have 2.5 kids and a dog.” It’s HARD to live by faith! Since Noah was 1 in 6 billion, there is not a test to do while I’m pregnant to tell me if kid #4 has what #3 did, and if there was, IT WOULDN’T MATTER because I wouldn’t end the pregnancy! Jason and I have already talked that we would do it again, though if it all did happen again, we would walk into the hospital and call the shots!
Arrrrrghhhhhh! I’m feeling better already just spewing on the computer, but the reality is, I know I’m not ready today to get pregnant again because in my heart of hearts, I would want that baby to be Noah…I want to know him when he’s 5, when he’s the most handsome guy in college, when he’s an adult. I’m not mad at God, though if I were, He could handle it…I guess I’m just mad because that will never happen and that’s the emptiness I am breathing today…