(This post is from Valentine’s Day, but because I drafted it last night, it says yesterday’s date. I’m not that computer savvy, so will figure out how to have my dates and posts line up…Have a great Valentine’s Day. Did you know that it’s okay to love everybody everyday? Yay for that!)
I need a vacation from my vacation…Not really, but boy were we feeling OLD and creaky after only a few runs of skiing! Well, I know I can speak for myself, anyway. I didn’t ski last season because I was pregnant with Noah, so I was creaky just putting my boots on and trying to walk to the lift. That set the tone for the remainder of the day…walking. We put the kids in ski school and headed up the mountain. The mountain we went to has a lot of “cat walks” so, instead of downhill skiing, a lot of cross-country skiing was actually taking place! After I took a wrong turn, leading the guys into the woods and hitting two boulders dead on, I decided to take off my skis and hike down a bit until I found an actual trail. We really did have a fun time being together, but utter exhaustion is supposed to be the state for which you take a vacation…

Anyway, as the days move forward, I try to reflect, not living in the past, but really trying to wrap my brain around all that has transpired and how one little, beautiful baby boy could change my life and outlook on it in such a radical way. I am so humbled by stories people, some that I know but mostly those that I don’t, send me about the role Noah’s story has had in their lives. There are days and minutes that I want him back so badly that it aches, but I can honestly say that at the same time, the peace of God is so sweet, knowing Noah is complete in the Lord’s presence, that I wouldn’t trade having him here if it meant that the changes that have occurred, not only in my life, but in so many others, were to be reversed right back to where we all started. How tragic!? I say that because I have such hope. Yes, it made Jason sad to know he’d never take Noah skiing. (Plus, skiing in Heaven is probably way better! If you fall, it’s into a cloud, maybe…and, if you get stuck on a catwalk, God probably gives you a boost? JK) I’m sure as milestones pass, there will always be a sense of loss, but it’s not debilitating because of our hope. Our hope that God’s not a liar but that His word is true.

The song by Sixpence, “Trust in the Lord”, taken from Proverbs 3:5-6, keeps playing in my head, though I haven’t listened to it in years, probably 8 or 9. It says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” This scripture says a lot about the kind of trust we are to put in God. It does not say it won’t be the most difficult thing on earth. The wording does not read, “Sometimes, if you feel like it, you can trust in the Lord, but you don’t have to do it with your whole heart, just a little, since you probably know better than the Creator of the entire Universe. Then, with the 10% of your brain that God has revealed to man, figure out why you are walking through this valley or resting on that mountain, and how it fits into the bigger picture of Life. If you don’t understand His bigger picture, well, then, just don’t acknowledge that He may have a greater plan, because, hey, He doesn’t know what He’s doing anyway! Actually, why don’t you just do it all on your own, since that’s working for you…”

I say all this because, for some reason, we as humans tend to think that life on earth should be easy, that it should be fluffly, that any time bad things happen to good people, God’s messing with us and we really do have a better idea of the scope of how our lives here should pan out. I told my friend the other day that it would have been cool if, when we died, those that had intimacy with Christ would physically just get “beamed” up so that it was a little easier which choice to make here on earth. He said that would be nice but it takes away the need to live by faith…and that takes away the pursuit of a deeper life…It doesn’t mean death, sickness, horror, sadness, etc do not occur and don’t hurt like hell, literally, but I’ll be the first to admit that, if I’m only using 10% (if I’m lucky) of the brain God designed, God most certainly does not fit into a box, and I’ll trust that one day, if He is so gracious to do so, I’ll get to see the Super God “IMAX” version of how your story and ours were necessary for the Big Picture…Now the scripture is so clear. I know I can use ALL of my heart, for that is something I can choose, but trying to wrap my 10% brain around the 100% universe, well, God put that scripture there to save us from a lot of headaches!



22 Responses

  1. Afer my best friend Wendy died I felt like my heart was going to burst of my chest from the pain of missing her. I know it is not like losing a child but she was like my sister to me. The next couple of years after that tumbled to many deaths..my grandmas within 2 months of each other, a uncle, etc. I started to hate the month of May becuase that is when I lost Wendy and then my grandma the following year. Then I met my little girl Adrian dad in that July and then had Adrian in March with alot of fear as she was brought into this world not breathing..she was taken care of by some wonderful people and is fine now. As were sitting in church a few weeks after coming home the pastor was baptizing both of my kids and the sermon that day was about trusting God with your full heart and that he put us all here for a reason. I looked down at my kids and realized that God put me here for these kids and for my niece and nephew as I take care of them alot and that I am only borrowing them from God. That is a scary thought for me but you have put that in a different prespective for me. I thank you for your insight and appreciate that you share with us.
    A mom from South Dakota

  2. I agree so strongly with what you said about we ‘humans thinking ife should be easy’. God didn’t promise that anywhere in scripture…unless I’m missing it.

    There will be tough times, there will be sorrow, but those times can be offered up to our saviour as a holy sacrifice that in no way compares to His sacrifice for us, but at least gives us a glimpse of the love He has.

    No one knows this greater than you. Now your sweet, sweet sacrifice is being enjoyed by all the holy angels!

    “Sorrow will last for a night, but joy comes in the morning- I’m trading my sorrows, I’m trading my pain, I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord.”

  3. Adrienne,
    Great shot in ski gear. I’m glad all of you made it up there (and down safely, too).

    I have to say… from my experience, I’d bet you’re using at least 11% of your brain :-)… and an even higher % of your heart.

    Thanks for continuing to share.

  4. I have been following your blog for about two months now and your Noah and words your write in relation to that have touched me more than a comment section could ever express. I have always feared death and had such anxiety over losing loved ones. God has revealed to me through people like you that through true faith, you do move on, you do have HOPE, that truly through Christ all things are possible and that we will joyously be reunited with our loved ones in the eternal glory of heaven! Thank you for letting us into your world…what a tremendous blessing and priviledge!

    Sue Simpson

  5. I have been following your story for some time now. My family and I also attend Red Rocks church. I have wanted to write to you but I am not very good on the computer. Today is special. Its Valentines Day and I want to give you a gift. Your a very stong and wonderful mother and you wrote a few weeks ago your glands on you neck were swollen, I thought to myself… This Mommy needs a massage!!!I suppose God wanted me to wait for Valentines Day to show our love for you and your family. I am not sure but today I am posting! I am a mother of two. My son is 15 and my daughter is 11. My sister is a massage theapist. She is located at 38th and Tennison. P.S. Massage. Her name is Pamela. Her number is 720-309-1969.You both share a special day together also. She was baptized the same day you were. Enjoy… You deserve to relax and massage is an excellent way!!! With Love The Kohlmans

  6. I have been guilty too for thinking everything should be peachy. In reality some days are harder! When I start feeling myself believing I can’t get through this I listen to a song called “Made to Love You” by Toby Keith. It has an awesome beat to pick you up but, what is even more awesome is the words. “I was made to love, always adore you..” This song is so good with reminding us to capture faith. I admire your faith Adrianne!

  7. Hello Adrienne,

    My name is Kyle Duncan, and I am a friend of Heidi and Olov Strole, whom I believe you know via “a friend of a friend.” In any event, Heidi read your blog and thought of me and my wife, Suzanne. We live in Eden Prairie, MN, and have been in the Twin Cities for about three and a half years, after living our entire lives in Southern California. Professionally, I serve as vice president of editorial at Bethany House Publishers, overseeing the nonfiction book lines.

    In any event, I was very moved by your story–you are a good writer with a natural talent. Actually, I would enjoy speaking with you or, if you are here in the TCs, would enjoy meeting you and your husband.

    On a personal note: My wife and I have three kids here on earth and four in heaven, including three miscarriages and one precious baby boy, Joseph Alexander, who died at three days old on Labor Day, 2001. Joseph was diagnosed with trisomy 13 while Suzanne was five months pregnant. Despite the doctors’ gentle urgings that we terminate, Suzanne carried to term–which ended up being an amazing testimony to the entire medical team, including two of the NICU nurses who came to Joseph’s funeral, tears streaming down their face, both saying “there lives were changed” by the straight talk about Christ during the service.

    So, I can relate to you guys on a personal level, and perhaps there might be something I could do for you on the publishing side–whether it’s just some counsel or, if the lord leads, a potential book project. If the book idea thing is something you want to explore, shoot me an email at kyle.duncan@bethanyhouse.com.



  8. There is something so amazing about Noah. I’ve been following your blog for about a month and a half. Everytime I am having a bad day I look at Noah’s pictures. There is something so peaceful and beautiful in him, I always feel instantly better. God definitley blessed him with something special. I hope you’ll take the offer from the previous post about publishing a book. You and Noah can touch so many people.

  9. Well Happy Valentines Day everyone! Wow. Your post was a great gift to me – I had a truly “crappy day” yesterday and you (once again) put it all in perspective. What a great gift from Krista to you – I hope you enjoy it. And a great post from Kyle D. Even if his is not the path you take it may help you further down that road. He’s right, you do have a talent – a gift really. And the post from ‘anonymous’ about Noah’s pics. I’ve felt that way for a long time and wanted to say – he is THE most beautiful angel I have ever or probably will ever lay eyes on.

    You talked again about how he may have changed our lives. I want you to know I started praying with my daughter after reading your blog. (Last night she said, of her own accord – never hearing this from me – “Thank you God for all our blessings, I give my life to you…” – she’s four – AMAZING!) I pray over my son now. we’ve started back to church as a family. Lot’s of change in my life… getting me closer to finding out what my purpose is. Being inspired by seeing yours unfold right before all of our eyes and your unwaivering faith.

    It’s a beautiful thing Adrienne and again, I thank you.

  10. Hi Adrienne-

    You didn’t happen to be in Breckenridge did you? The reason I ask is that I was out there, from PA, with my husband and friends and I thought that I may have seen you (I don’t know you, but just from pictures on the blog). Anyway, I figured it was just that your family was on my mind a lot, being out there, flying into and driving through Denver, etc. And what are the chances, Colorado is a big state, right? But then when I got home, I saw your blog and that you were up in the mountains skiing and I thought, “maybe it was her…?”

    Stephanie in PA

  11. I do find it comforting at times to just rest in what God tells me in His Word: that I can’t understand it all, there are things unfathomable, and that’s okay. Otherwise, you’re right, I just get a huge headache about stuff that I cannot, in my human form, understand. So cool that Noah is with Jesus, and He can explain some of life’s mysteries to Noah firsthand…no doubt Noah just senses it all anyway, just being in Jesus’ amazing presence, and skiing around on all the clouds in Heaven, too!

  12. Hi Andrienne,

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your family! I have to agree with most of what everyone has already posted. Noah (God bless his soul) for never speaking a word, has spoke more words than some could ever in a lifetime if that makes any sense. I to come so see that precious little face of his! There truly is something so special about your little guy! I know no words can take away the mommy pain that you feel so let me just say “I am so sorry for your loss”.

    I read this quote “Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.” I hope you can somehow find comfort in that as each day goes by.

    You have a beautiful family and I wish you the best!

    P.S. God is telling you to write a book so please contact Kyle!! :0)

  13. Ade, you probably thought that I didn’t really read your blog but we actually follow it pretty closely. Today’s post caught my spiritul eye, though, and I had to comment (which is a bit like Kim going out to change the oil on a tractor). Anyway, your commentary on what Proverbs 3:5-6 does NOT say, sort of made me square up to what the scripture really means…face to face, which, I think is what you meant it to do. The heart of the matter is that REALLY trusting the Lord compels us into a deeper realationship with God as your friend observed. A friend of mine once told me that God was “Outcome Based”. I’m not so sure. Certainly he cares where we end up but I think he is most concerned about how we are getting there. Otherwise, how could he say, “Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall see God?” Are we facing life with honesty and integrity? Can we tell ourselves the truth? Do we concern ourselves with the things that are most important or the things that are most urgent. There is a profound difference. Most importantly though, “Where is our heart at?” Only God and the individual could provide an “honest” answer to that question and most of the time the individuals may be honest but not accurate. “The heart is decietfull above all things.” So. My point is getting saved is easy. (I say that a bit tounge and cheek) Its every thing that happens from that point to the moment that Christ receives us with open arms that he concerns himself with. “Without faith its imipossible to please God.” “The Journey is the thing” as the old saying goes. Keep it up Ade. We are HUGE fans. Love you both…lots.

  14. Adriene, Thank you so much for this blog. A friend sent me the link not too long ago. I check it every day. It’s reminding me how powerful God is and how peaceful it can be to allow him control. I’m a teacher and this year we have gone through the loss of a father to former students, a fellow teacher, a fellow teacher’s grandson, and just this past friday, the mother of 4 students. The service for the mother is Friday. I have not seen the children yet. They are 7th grade, 6th grade, 3rd, and 1st. I had the older 3 in first grade and their kindergarten teacher and I are both going to the service for the kids. Again, thanks for your blog, it’s reminding me to actively LOOK for the church family that I belong to.

  15. Hey Adrienne! I just wanted to stop in and say hello and Happy Valentines Day to you and the family! I am so happy to hear you guys had a great time, even though it was exhausting at times. I live in Texas and have never had the chance to go skiing so I can only imagine how fun yet tiring it can actually be…LOL Anyway, I’m glad everyone made it back safely and I was so excited to be able to read another post of yours. I am inspired everytime I do so. I also agree with everyone else that there is definately something extra special about Noah. He is more than just absolutely beautiful. It’s obvious that God sent him here to touch each and everyone of us. He has been such a wonderful blessing to my life and continues to amaze me everyday with all that I am learning because of his story that you so graciously share with us. From mom to mom though, I know his loss is devestating and for that, there are no words that can express my deep sorrow for what you and your beautiful family are going through. I am praying everynight though not only for my family but yours as well along with many others I don’t even know, that the pain and sadness in our lives, whatever it may be, will somehow be lessened by our belief and faith in God. I want to thank you and Noah again from the bottom of my heart for rejuvenating my spirit and leading me in the right direction towards God.

    Paula and Family

  16. Welcome back. :o)

    I am glad you and your family enjoyed your trip. I can imagine it must of felt really good to get out into that clear air and beautiful mountains. I always feel closer to Him when I am in his nature and not crowded by the city.

    Sorry your friend was ill and could not make the trip with you. (per your next post) I hope she is feeling much better now.

    Thanks for the update and the inspiring words within.


  17. Thanks Ade. I’m trying to wrap myself around so many of the concepts you are talking about. Getting your perspective, the lessons you’ve been able to teach, is so helpful in nailing them into my head and heart.

  18. Ade, i am the friend of a friend to whom Kyle is referring… the friend just emailed me so excited to share about Bethany… I am still thinking lots of you! That swing pick awhile back at the MOA is GREAT! I can’t believe you were swinging when you took it!
    Cheers lady! Love Steph G

  19. Dear Adrienne,

    Kyle is so right! You are a natrual! You really should write a book. I have been following you for a week now. I have been up late nights, early the next just to catch up with reading everything. I have caught myself in countless times already crying and praying and crying and saying wow God this is what you have been trying to tell me. I am looking in my life today, with more than appreciation. We went through a near to death situation. The preacher stood outside the delivery room. Nobody, not even the doctors there for 25 years knew what happened and why. Today our 3rd child, our miracle is 3 and I am still here too. He brightens a room up with just a look. We are blessed today to have 3 children. But, more blessed to relize we are taking life granted. We have so much to teach our children. I would’ve never thought this way as a young mother and new christian if I never read your story. You said in one of your stories “you have faith to move mountains”. I can see this. But, you also have another gift! A gift to change the life, with this story. You and your family are truly amazing!

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