bereaved parentschildren of Goddreamsfalafelshusbandsinfant lossmissing Noahpregnancy the 5th time around

Back it up a little…

So, Em and Jason and I went in on Tuesday for our uber-ultra ultrasound. They check for all the important vital body parts.

Most parents look only for genitalia.

Obviously since we seem to produce children with more than just private parts, and since our lives have been radically changed over the past 4 years and since we have friends who have cried through ultrasounds showing them that certain vital parts were not growing in their sweet babies, we were looking for more than just genitalia…so was the ultrasound technician. I asked:

“Is that a kidney? Are there 2? Ureters? Do they empty to the bladder? How many chambers in the heart? A spleen? How about a liver? How about its brain? Eyes? Its jaw? Does it have a jaw? May I see its spine?”

Admittedly, it’s sad I can’t just look for a hoo-ha or weiner…(don’t worry, we use the proper terms with Em…I just don’t feel that comfortable with you! Ha!)

As she pushed on, likely, the fullest bladder in the world that morning, she showed me almost every other body part, confirming its presence and performance, before she headed down to check out the femurs. The femurs were…femurish…you know, long and femur looking. So that was good.

But, wait…what was that?

Me: Oh! Huh!?
Tech: Yeah, did you catch that?
Me: Pretty sure I did…back it up a little…
Tech: There you go.
Me: Are you sure that’s not just engorged?
Tech: I’m sure. That is what you think it is.
Me: Oh my gosh, Em, you’re having a brother! It’s a baby boy!
Me: (Sob. Bawl. Sob. Wipe snot. Bawl. Smile. Sob with heaves and lip biting. Smile. Awe. Wonder. Bawl. Wipe more snot.)
Jason: (Quietly choking back tears in the dark room…Em just thinking he had sinus issues…)

Jason and I had planned on naming Noah “Mary” or “Claire” if he had been a girl. We both, likely out of protection of our hearts and emotions, had decided this was a girl. I had even oooohed and ahhhhed over cute girl clothes at BabyGap and found a super duper cute poster of Paris to put in her room.

Deep down, of course I wanted a boy. Boys melt Mommies’ hearts. In the 7 weeks Noah was home after he was born I had the worst back and neck pain from staring down at him, constantly. I mean, way down deep love that is quite impossible for me to ‘splain so I won’t even try…

Back up years…like probably 5 or 6. I walked into one of our favorite local restaurants for take out. There was a mom and her older teenage son in line in front of me. He was tall, maybe a foot taller than his mom, and handsome. I remember looking at them and feeling a promise in my heart of God saying to me that one day I would have a son. I had always pictured him in that stage of life. FF to June 10, 2006 and I was overjoyed that I had a son…my promise. FF to January 12, 2007 and I’m not going to lie at how unfair and sick I felt that promise was…like a “psych” moment, but painful and gut-wrenching…a slap in the face.

FF to Tuesday, April 27th at approximately 9:30 am MT when we saw his parts…and having come through all we have, learning more about the God of the Universe who knows way more than I ever will and is good and has a plan, and trusting that He knows what is best and desires to bless His children…I could not help but bawl my head off, and my mascara, in hope and thankfulness for whatever it is He has in store.

However, at the same time, realizing that He is in charge. I trust Him. He has asked me to live one day at a time. And so, God has blessed me with two sons. One in His presence now and the other kicking the heck out of my entire abdominal cavity…

And I am thankful.

And I am in awe.

And I am treasuring one kick at a time.

And I am hanging onto hope…hope that one day I will meet this sweet little man face to face…and when I do, I will fall in love with him and he with me…and one day…

One day he will throw his arm around my 55 year old shoulder and smile down at me. And I will try to contain the squeals within me, stay cool and not act on all the kisses I’ll want to plant on his cheeks and tell him how very handsome he is and how very proud of him I am…I’ll just act cool and order our falafels.

25 thoughts on “Back it up a little…

  1. How wonderful! Wonderful that everything checked out OK and that you get another sweet boy. Your words at the end of the post made me cry. (Like the children’s book, Love You Forever. Have you ever read that? Oh.my.) I have an 18yo son who towers over everyone in the family at 6’4″. And he still hugs and kisses us all. We don’t even have to ask. It melts my heart every time.

  2. Little boys are such a blessing to their mommys!! Congratulations on your new miracle, praying for a happy and healthy lifetime for your little guy!!

  3. first congratulations on another son! 2nd beautiful post!

    I know what you mean about wanting a son… My first son was stillborn and I was heart broken, I now have 3 wonderful girls and am preggo again and hoped so badly that they would tell me it was a boy! unfortunitly the tech told me it would be another girl, but I still have my hopes that she was wrong (we’ll see in 4 months).

  4. ya know why i think you have such an image of a boy and his mama? because your husband modeled that for ya.

    not all sons honor their moms as such. you are blessed.

    i just can’t put into words our joy for you. knowing that every moment through this pregnancy is bitter sweet. every joy comes with memory and anticipation. we are praying for you from afar. bless your amazing hearts!

  5. You said all of that so beautifully!!
    when we were pregnant with our son, I felt strongly that the Lord said “3” – I would deliver 3 children. So, when we lost Morgen I was like, “does that count?” She is our daughter, of course, but we wouldn’t get to raise her… (now I realize she is the lucky one!) God answered by putting the desire in both Kevin and my hearts to have another baby… and we did…

    And I, too, cannot wait for the day that my teenage son looks at his mommy with the same sparkle that he does now at 5…

  6. Ade, that just brought tears to my eyes. I’m so glad you are having a(nother) little boy. I think I imagined a girl to protect your heart and emotions as well, but I’m so glad it’s a boy! I’m sure Noah is smiling down from heaven right now!

  7. as someone who has lost two boys i can totally understand your excitement….i longed for another boy too but god gave us another little girl whom i do love to pieces….but am still sad to not have that mother/son bond…

    but truly, so happy for you! this has been a long time coming and i am praising god for your healthy baby!!

    congrats!

  8. So well written Adrienne. Children are such a blessing from the Lord. I have 2 boys and 2 girls and I love how different and unique each is. So much fun being a momma!

    Cannot wait until your little boy makes his entrance into this world. Congratulations!

  9. Dear Adrienne, what a delightful post to read!!! And, after having shared a 2006 boy (I was pregnant as well when you had Noah) I am now also expecting a 2010 boy with you! I thought it was SOOOO funny, in a certain way, since I live all the way across the ocean… Blessings!!!
    Jessica in Verona
    Italy

  10. Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement and excitement for us! I know you don’t need me to clarify my love of boy or girl…all children are a blessing from the Lord, no matter their genetic make up, how many moments the are here inside or outside the womb. I know that and I hope that in reading here you know that, too. It doesn’t mean our hearts don’t break wishing we had gotten to know that sweet person for a longer amount of time, and I know there are no time guarantees with this one, so I’m gonna love him each moment I have…and I pray that each of you does the same, whether currently pregnant, a seasoned mom, or a newbie…life is beautiful and meant to be lived! xoxox

  11. Oh Adrienne,
    Praise God for another precious son growing in your womb… what an awesome miracle he is. I can’t imagine the emotion you are feeling. We are praising God with you that all looks good and cling to the Hope we have in Christ that He is walking beside you each step of the way…

    Praying for you and the beautiful baby He is knitting together in your womb. So very happy for you… my heart rejoices!
    Sara

  12. I am literally overwhelmed with joy for you and Jason and Em ( how weird is it that I totally sound like I know you and your family…I feel like I do ๐Ÿ™‚ ) BUT I am totally excited for you!
    God be praised!!!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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