Never in a million years did I imagine that this season of “The Graveswolds”, aka, life without a home, traveling some with Jason’s job, and basing out of my Dad’s house or my Mother-in-law’s house, was about me, so much. Sure, some of it…like the part where I’d be freed up of some grown-up responsibilities like mortgage payments and tons of cleaning, but I’ll admit that in my “Hey, I’m in my 40’s, strong as an ox, learned a lot about life already-ness” it didn’t occur to me God had something for MY heart. I thought I had oh-so-much-to-offer others, like, taking care of widows and orphans, and whatnot.

Last weekend God showed me one of the orphans, and, you can take it or leave it, but one of those “orphans” was…me.


Wait. What?

Um, Lord, this all hurts deeply. I’m kind of a mess…and by “kind of” I mean…There is no such thing as a secret, therefore You know every thought, ache, pain, cry, every ounce of longing on any given day that drains my day-to-day life energy from living fully now…because I wasn’t ready and so I’m stuck. You two may have been ready, elated even at her arrival, but I wasn’t ready to live one single day on this earth without my mom in it.

And, so, last weekend, I sat at a table where four women gathered to break bread and drink wine, and deep into the heart of our conversation, each of us living here and now on earth without one or both parents, one looks into my soul and says to me, my face hot and tears uncontrollably streaming by then, “Did it ever occur to you that what you thought was a season of being available to help your widowed parents (houselessness and living in South Dakota) might be about healing to your grieving heart?”

Wait. What?

The ever-so-quickly approaching Mother’s Day has me pausing to take in long, hard breaths every day, every so often, more often than not. I’ve done “firsts”…had 8 1/2 years of them already, having lost Noah. People email me, call, text, take me to lunch and coffee and ask me questions about grieving and death quite often. I’m kind of seasoned in death-stuff, not afraid of it, clearly realistic in the whole part about none of us being able to avoid it…

…but apparently Mom’s die. And I wasn’t ready for one of those moms to be mine.

She was my spiritual compass. We spoke often, for sure daily, many days a few times here and there, just checking in with one another, sharing little things and big things, spiritual insights, life dreams and frustrations, prayer requests, asking questions, learning from one another…her sharing years of wisdom, discernment, and life experience, me helping her embrace what was, and was not, important to get up to speed on in this generation. We spoke candidly about her journey, yet we never spoke about dying…

News. Flash.

And so here I am, one week away from my first Mother’s Day without my Mom to call or make a beautiful meal for. I can hear my heart beating in my chest as I type, and each beat is marked with an aching of the tremendous and profound loss I feel. And I’m not the first woman on this earth to ever lose a mother, and I wasn’t the last.

It’s one month shy of one year and I haven’t even scratched the surface of my grief. In fact, I haven’t really even gone there. I pulled up my big girl panties, because crying doesn’t bring her back, and kept on truckin’ on, “to make her proud”…except for the part where my soul is crying out to bask in healing, my memories need space and time to come and go as they may, and the part where losing a son is different from losing a mother…not one better, easier, harder, quicker…different, and equally necessitating TIME to heal and TIME to breathe and TIME to wrestle and reflect and dig in and release and whatever else.

A few practical things I’m taking up on this grief journey to healing is I took Facebook off my phone. It’s still on my computer and a way I love to see what’s going on in other people’s lives, but it’s a distraction on my phone, and really, not a necessity on this journey. This blog has always been a sanctuary of healing for my heart, even when arrows fly from readers, as writing is an outlet for my soul. I will be here more often, sharing bits of the grief, because we talk about all sorts of other losses, but the loss of a parent is so accepted in society, so when one grieves longer or more deeply or in an ugly, painful way that others deem too lengthy or inappropriate, well, they move on. My Mom was a Baby Boomer. There are millions of women (and men) like me (and my sisters) who, if they have not yet, will be losing their parents in the next couple decades. Death is expected, but the pain which accompanies it is something we need to talk about with one another. I hope my processing can help your processing one day…

Another thing, I’m reading “Nobody’s Child: How Older Women Say Good-bye to Their Mothers” by Diane Sher Lutovich, “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom, “Final Gifts” by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley, another one about pain and suffering, and doing a soul-care Bible study by Ortberg and Willard.

I’m also going to shell out some serious money to meet with a counselor who is supposed to work miracles…because some things in life are worth the investment, like hearts and souls…

Physically, I breathe. I’ve been spending time doing Yoga breathing. I breathe strategically when I swing kettlebells and do pull-ups at the gym. I breathe and use my legs to lift heavy landscaping rocks when the grief necessitates manual labor. I breathe when I sit lakeside in my Mother-in-love’s hammock, listening to the rhythmic waves lap up on the shore, pairs of ducks drifting by, listening to the effects of the wind through the pines.

There's nothing like nuggling lakeside in the hammock with my Little Lover...nothing.

There’s nothing like nuggling lakeside in the hammock with my Little Lover…nothing.

I breathe in and wonder what Heaven must be like. Then I exhale knowing it’s not yet my turn. I inhale God’s Spirit of healing and then exhale the burdens I so daftly thought were mine to bear and inhale the truth that His yoke is easy and His burden is light…His power is made known in my weakness…and I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I wear her ring on my right hand, one she got in the early ’70’s, sterling with red coral…a Thunderbird made by Arizona local Navajo. An Arizona kid, a Phoenix or a Thunderbird, I think of the two interchangeably as I look at it each day, regardless, they both carry mythological symbolism of strength and life and renewal…one just has to rise out of the ashes in order to draw its strength.

So many memories include this ring on my Mom's hand.

So many memories include this ring on my Mom’s hand. It was made by Navajo artisans.

I’m working on that…

Either way, I know my strength and healing are found in the work Christ did for me at the Cross. It’s there I need to sit and face this loss, because trying to run from it has only caught up with me.

I wasn’t ready to lose her…which is why I wasn’t ready to grieve, either.

So, I step out, one foot in front of the other…and one day I will rise.


6 Responses

  1. I wear my mom’s wedding band on my left ring finger and my dad’s right beside it on my middle. Although, not the wedding ring my husband gave me, luckily he loved them as much as me and was in full agreement that I wear them there. When I look down at those rings or touch them, they give me strength when I need them. Their love gives my marriage the knowledge that these rings have made it through thick and thin and held love together. They help hold me together. My mom gone 2 years to cancer and my dad 9 years to a bad heart. I smile because I loved them, I cry because I miss them! May your journey of grief help heal your loss. Prayers to you.

    • Jane, I love that about your parent’s rings! And that you and your husband are secure enough in your marriage that the wearing of those heirlooms don’t threaten your faithfulness to one another at all. Thanks for sharing your heart! I’m sorry you lost both your parents…I’m really sorry! xoxox

  2. First of all, friend, I am so sorry that you lost your amazing mama. She was pure gold, that one.

    Second, this post reveals why I want to always be your friend. You are so intentional about loving and living and listening. It’s your time to receive.

    Third, I was struck while reading this that my heart aches not just from the most recent loss but from the totality of loss I’ve experienced over the last 15 years. This is not the life I dreamed of. I feel the effects of living in a fallen world, believing lies, having a messed up identity, and now not finding what I’m longing for. I know that Jesus grieves with me. And I need to be gentler with myself and accept grief as an important part of whole life living.

    Fourth, I love you!


    • I love you, too! She loved you, that mom of mine, and prayed for you, too. And that leads me to something God showed me shortly after she died. I was grieving not having a mom who was praying for me anymore, like world-changing prayers the way she prayed, and I was wrecked with the potential of how screwed my future seemed. Then a smarter thought came into my Spirit: Prayer is not limited by time or space. WHOA! So, on that note, I know my mom prayed prayers for you regarding your heartache and loss…and I pray for all of us to be more gentle with ourselves. xoxox

  3. Adrienne– you know my thing with Hebrews lately… And 12:1– since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses ( I believe she is watching you run your race) And we also know to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Before now, while on earth, your mama prayed daily for you. Today, she is in His presence, having face to face with conversations with Him about you! She doesn’t see through a glass darkly anymore. ( like the rest of us here in earth do) She knows even as she is fully known! I’m getting a pedicure right now– trying not to cry as I read your blog and type this– I want you to know, this blog is a blessing to me, you are a blessing to me, and it blesses me to watch you love The Lord even in your grief and loss. I STILL am spurred to prayer when I think of you, girl. THIS orphan is definitely blessed, just by you being YOU!! God bless you and be with you, may His face shine on you!!! Xoxoxo

    • THANKS, friend! I love that the Lord introduced us, Janne, and am grateful for your willingness to share the insights and discernment He puts upon your heart. I needed to read your words today. xoxox

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